Though you probably do not care being the apathetic, ignorant people that you are, the majority of you who voted in the election are really taking a beating.
Apparently, Charlie Ebersol lost because he drives a Hummer, which seems a poor excuse since we had a U.S. President that was fairly popular despite receiving one. Seriously though, not only was that the deciding factor in the race, but the results "reveal that your political apathy is beyond ridiculous" and that you are "incredibly immature."
Sounds harsh, I know. But there is more. Your moral consciousness has been called into question and the election process, as a result of your failings, has become "so un-Notre Dame." You mean Notre Dame students have flaws, make mistakes and sometimes make judgments based on biased information? Before all of you rent your garments and wash your hands in dismay, there is some very compelling logic behind all of these claims.
By a peculiar mode of reasoning which I have dubbed McCarthyism after its originator - no not that McCarthyism, but almost equally dismissive and irrational - it was proven yesterday that if someone expresses a negative opinion about another, then all people who do not vote for that person in a popular election must share that opinion and would vote based on that premise.
Take a moment to lift your jaw off the table after this startling revelation. I heard from a few women that "Charlie Ebersol is hot," and that this was their impetus for voting for him. A further application of McCarthyism leads to the obvious conclusion that you are also immature and irresponsible with your vote if you are female and voted for Ebersol.
So unless you are among the majority who voted Ebersol in Carroll, Siegfried or Keough Hall, please take the advice of the wise, always rational, always prudent, always mature philosopher - whose genius will never be appreciated in her own time - "Learn from your stupidity, grow up and, next time, vote like the mature 18-to-23-year-olds that you are supposed to be."
Stephen ReynoldssophomoreKeenan HallFeb. 17
