Du Lac, spring break and ‘Dave’
Joey Falco | Tuesday, March 2, 2004
After fantasizing all winter about slender, bikini-clad vixens basking in the scorching Caribbean sun, delicately oiling their gentle skin while slowly applying chapstick to their soft, crimson lips …Where was I going with this? I don’t even remember. The point is, Spring Break 2004 is finally upon us, and in the tradition of classic television masterpieces like “MTV Spring Break 2001,” “MTV Spring Break 2002,” and “Bosom Buddies,” many Notre Dame students will be packing up their green T-shirts and shower sandals and heading for a hedonistic, Flex Point-free world of decadence and debauchery where the only currency is plastic beads and the only source of salivary nourishment comes in a shot glass.However, not every Domer shows up at Miami Beach or South Padre Island expecting to be rolled up into a human taco with a half-naked 14-year-old named Staci. Believe it or not, not every Domer even stamps her passport with cities like Cancun or Mazatlan in the hopes of donning a dripping whipped cream bikini in front of thousands of horny onlookers.On the contrary, at least one Notre Dame student, hypothetically using the pseudonym Domer Dave, will certainly attend this spring’s festivities with the full intentions of abiding by the divinely-mandated covenant that binds all Domers to the moral standards of the University – du Lac. This is Domer Dave’s heart-wrenching story.Upon stepping onto the blistering, vomit-stained sand of a Cancun beach, Domer Dave’s mind could not stray from a single phrase that was implanted in his head with the persistence of an Ace of Base song. “These policies and procedures apply to all students … whether the behavior occurs on or off campus.” Yes, he thought to himself, I will remain loyal to du Lac throughout Spring Break.Moments later, his friends emerged bearing gallons of the sweet ambrosia of the Mexican gods, better known as tequila. However, just as Domer Dave was preparing to quench his longing with a serving of the golden nectar, he recalled, “Intoxication by any student, regardless of age, whether in public or private, is prohibited.” Instantly, he turned his back on this vile temptation and instead extinguished his thirst with a raspberry iced tea.Later that day, Domer Dave and his posse came across a rabble of unconscious females that clearly appeared to be about as sober as the Bush twins. As they approached the voluptuous mound of vulnerability, one of the young temptresses awoke from her drunken stupor and confronted the horde of pleasure-seekers. Upon seeing the cheap green beads hastily strewn about Domer Dave’s neck, she proceeded to unlace her already-revealing, leopard skin bikini top, but luckily another passage from the sacred text prevented the eager Irishman from extending his jittery hand. “Sexual conduct, including unwelcome touching … is a serious violation.” Reflecting on these words, he remorsefully pulled away from a score so easy that it would have made a University of Colorado football player jealous.As night approached, the thankful gang of Notre Dame men returned to their hotel with their fortunate discovery of semi-conscious females, and for the rest of the evening, they made Turtle Creek seem like a Buddhist temple. Domer Dave had never enjoyed himself more, and was quite relieved upon realizing that du Lac failed to mention anything about eating the worm at the bottom of the bottle. As he gleefully tilted his head and digested the legless annelid, the clock ominously struck two, and as if in a hypnotic trance, he fell into a Druid-like chant of “Visiting hours for guests of the opposite sex are not to begin before 9 a.m. on any day and are not to extend beyond 2 a.m. on Friday and Saturday nights.” Immediately, with all the candor and spunk of an R.A., he ushered the unwelcome females out of his hotel room and breathed a hearty sigh of du Lac relief.As his friends stormed off in complete contempt, Domer Dave suddenly found himself alone with one stunning beauty who clearly appeared to have overworked her liver over the course of the night. With the hotel room to themselves, she slyly manipulated him into derobing and slipping under the covers with her, and Domer Dave soon became privy to her hedonistic intentions.As he, too, prepared to give new meaning to his “Here Come the Irish” T-shirt, he dejectedly recalled du Lac’s message, “Because a genuine and complete expression of love through sex requires a commitment to a total living and sharing together of two persons in marriage, the University believes that sexual union should occur only in marriage.” Reflecting on these words, the eager young man dropped to his knee and cried out, “Naked chick in my bed, will you marry me?”And the moral of this story? Have a fantastic, du Lac-free Spring Break! Just try not to pull a Britney Spears and get hitched in the process.
Joey Falco is a freshman political science and Spanish major. His column appears every other Wednesday. He can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.