If you can't think of anything to say, an appropriate quotation from a humorous, well-known movie will almost always suffice. That's a rule I've always abided by, anyways, and it hasn't backfired too often.
When I find a movie I like, I tend to watch it over, and over and over, until I can recite the script with the actors. It's not landing me in Hollywood anytime soon, but while I'm in South Bend I can give you "7 Situations In No Particular Order Where You Might Need An Appropriate Quote From A Movie."
7. Government class. You didn't do last night's reading and the professor calls on you for an opinion. Channel "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" by stating "Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not some farcical aquatic ceremony!" Refuse to elaborate. You made your point.
6. You're in front of ResLife for just about anything. Are they more terrifying than meeting your future in-laws? Probably not. So reassure them that you "pass on grass" - just like Greg in "Meet the Parents" - and you should make it out alive. If you stick to your statement.
5. Your friend says something stupid. Roll your eyes and think of Babe Ruth smiling down from baseball heaven when you admonish him or her "you're killing me, Smalls!" from "Sandlot" ... classic.
4. You are the perpetrator of a hijacking. I don't recommend this, but since the future is unpredictable, you might as well get some mileage out of the infinitely quotable "Super Troopers"-"You boys like Mex-i-co?" My bet is yes. (Note: probably any situation can be remedied by the use of a quote from this movie.)
3. Your current love interest does something nice for you. "You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you" - nothing says love like Kevin Smith and "Clerks."
2. You're running from the NDSP. The officer is on a bike. You're running and looking for motivation. Look no further than "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" and the wisdom "If I get caught, it is not going to be by a guy like that." And run.
1. Some unfortunate situation occurs. Life has its ups and downs - "it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident," in the words of the classic Derek Zoolander.
I hope these are able to help you out if you ever find yourself in one of these situations. This column is dedicated to Nick Steinmetz, a freshman from Stanford, who I've actually never met, but who sent me an e-mail after reading one of my columns helping me think of ideas. One good turn deserves another.
