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CSI: Criminal Scene Investigation

Observer Scene | Monday, April 5, 2004

Over the past couple weeks, I have noticed a terrible epidemic that is sweeping across campus. If you haven’t observed this phenomenon which I am about to bring to your attention, you are either completely oblivious to the entire world around you or you have been locked inside your room the past two weeks with absolutely no outside communication. What I am referring to, ladies and gentlemen, is the ridiculously excessive quoting of Old School, the newly released comedy starring Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, and Luke Wilson. At first, I must admit that I did slightly fall into this trap myself, spurting out the occasional ” You know it! You know it,” but then I realized something. Absolutely everyone on campus was doing the exact same thing. Whether I be walking into the Stadium, sauntering back from Turtle Creek or taking a stroll across campus, I found it impossible to avoid this plague that seems to be the hippest thing since kids found out how cool it is to walk across South Quad with a cell phone. As a result, I began to run an in-depth study on this trend, seeing just how rampant the use and spread of it was and I discovered that one cannot go anywhere around Notre Dame without hearing some guy ramble on about how “once it hits your lips, it’s so good” or how glorious Blue looks in heaven. I’ve found that some people just kind of sit in circles and quote it back and forth, namely the group of kids outside Sorin Hall on Saturday night – you know who you are, now proceed to hang your heads in shame. At first I would kind of laugh, recognizing the reference and wanting to add a line or two myself, but then I asked myself this question: am I really SO completely unfunny that I need to rely on copying a movie verbatim in order to make people like me? Now I’m sure there’s some of you out there saying “Hey, yeah I quote it sometimes for a few cheap laughs now and again, but I still think I’m pretty funny.” Well, I hate to break it to you, but you’re wrong. You are probably the kid who just got out his/her Zoolander quoting stage, which followed shortly after your Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, and Dirty Work stages. In fact, it’s very likely that you have been using quotes from movies aimed at college students as a terrible comedy crutch for years to make up for your complete and total lack of originality. For bringing this to your attention, I apologize, but also realize that this had to be done eventually so you don’t go through life as a parrot, waiting for the next quotable teen movie to come out on video so you can nail the lines exactly.In an effort to see if anyone else noticed the uncontainable abuse of Old School quoting, I went to a few fellow students. Junior Morrisey resident Ken Champa had this to say about the quoting craze, “It seems like everyone came to school this year with two missions…study and to quote Old School.” How true that comment is, my equally observant friend Ken. As a result, I have decided that I am going to appoint this Ken character as the campus-wide regulator or Old School references. Therefore, if you DO in fact wish to pathetically quote this movie because you honestly can’t think of anything better to say, then you must get personal approval from Ken Champa first. Any violaters will be sent directly to ResLife, regardless of whether or not you think “you’ll have enough TIME,” between your trips to Home Depot and Bed Bath and Beyond. Upon interviewing another student, Dillon junior Michael Flanagan, he actually admitted to being part of this problem, saying “Tom, let’s face it. I am not a funny person. I was so relieved that Old School finally came out on DVD because I was getting pretty desperate there for awhile, watching 1980’s reruns of SNL for new material.” On a final note, I just wanted to say “I had an AWESOME time this weekend,” and that if you want to come and hang out sometime, you can “bring your green hat” cause we’re probably going to be “going streaking across the quad and into the gymnasium.” Seriously, guys, give it a rest.

Tom Raaf is a junior from Dillon Hall. He used to have a dog named Ashes, but then it died. E-mail him at traaf@nd.edu.