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If these courts could talk…

Kate Gales | Tuesday, April 6, 2004

Curb Your Enthusiasm wasn’t taking any chances on an early first-round exit.

“Third round or bust, baby!” said forward James Gower after the game.

His celebrrated their decisive 21-3 victory over No Chance in Hell, wearing No. 40 jerseys with “Kemp” written on the backs.

Coach Erik “Krzyzewski” Christensen diagrammed a variety of plays in preparation for the tournament and was a sideline force to be reckoned with, ensuring Curb Your Enthusiasm’s domination.

“We had a whole scheme worked out – a plethora, you could call it,” he said, after a Bob Knight-esque tantrum which resulted in a broken clipboard.

“Some of the guys have been tossing the name ‘Mastermind’ around the office,” he added modestly.

Mike “Hollywood” Healy attributed the team’s success to a variety of factors.

“We came out, had faith in God from the beginning, and gave 115 percent,” he said. “We also rallied behind captain Andy Astuno – he put up 19 and scored even more.”

The women of No Chance in Hell complained about Astuno’s play, after he collided with one of his opponents in the final possession, leaving her in tears.

However, Gower’s game-winning basket ensured the victory of the team.

We Are Money, 21, Bubba’s Sparks, 7

An orange prison jumpsuit. A Speedo and Mardi Gras beads. A printed shirt. A construction vest. And a captain attired in a full suit and tie. Bubba’s Sparks might not have come out with the victory, but they attracted the attention of spectators everywhere.

“We started with the shortest guy we could find,” said captain Tommy “Two-Times” Bemiller. “Then we found the drunkest guy, then we picked someone off the floor of Finnegan’s.

“Then we found the guys with the biggest… ego, and then we found our Sparks.”

We Are Money was called “O’Neill plus one” by one member.

“This is the All-Star team,” said captain John Burke.

Although We Are Money dominated play, a brief interlude playing with a Frisbee instead of a basketball proved entertaining to Bubba’s Sparks – also members of the Ultimate Frisbee team.

“I only found out there were balls that weren’t flat, like, yesterday,” said Sean “Flirty” O’Neill, the man in the Speedo, who signed a spectator’s body in celebration following a field goal.

“Are we in the NIT?” asked Matt “M to the C to the A” Amenta, a member of Bubba’s Sparks.

Cacique Jones 21, Who Wears Short Shorts 13

“After game one, it’s clear that Bookstore Basketball is 70 percent height, 15 percent hustle and 20 percent being sober,” said Mike Murphy of Cacique Jones.

The team’s slight height advantage contributed to a victory over Who Wears Short Shorts. Their quest for victory began while working on the John Kerry campaign.

“It’s shooting baskets to beat Bush,” team member Greg Garcia said.

Short Shorts, made up of freshmen, looks forward to the future.

“We definitely want to do [the Tournament] again,” said captain Kevin Braun. “We’ll go at it again and win a few next year.”

Braun plans to give his support to his RA David Yeagar, who has seen success in past tournaments. However, the loss does not undermine his team’s effort and their opponents agreed.

“Their zone surprised us, but once we started shooting over it, we pounded inside to our big guys,” said Tom Koffey of Cacique Jones. “They really hung in there.”

We Hit It From Deep and Are Good in the Box 21, Top Gun 15

Two athletic teams faced off in this first-round match-up, both showcasing skill, but We Hit It From Deep prevailed in the end.

“We got guys who can his it from outside, and we got guys down low who just can’t be stopped,” said the captain of We Hit It From Deep, James Bracken.

The team consisted of dormmates and their co-workers from the Food Service and Supply offices, who often play basketball together at Rolfs on the weekends.

Top Gun exploded with a furious rally to tie the score at 13, but could not go any further. The teams trademark “danger zone” defense was no match for the inside-outside combos of We Hit It From Deep.