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Hit the road, Cat

Joey Falco | Sunday, October 3, 2004

There is a darkness plaguing the safety and purity of the United States of America. This acrimonious evil was borne from the very innards of the dark lord Beelzebub, raised in the deepest chasms of Hades by an army of demonic orcs and educated within these sulfurous pits of Hellfire by a malicious horde of diabolical professors with malevolent names like Hitler, Stalin, Cassius and Judas. He is the fallen angel Lucifer incarnate and is surely right now employing his blackest artifices to destroy the sanctity and beauty of our great country.

I am writing, of course, about the most notorious and villainous terrorist to ever step foot upon God’s green Earth – Cat Stevens.

For decades, his efforts to spread evil and pestilence throughout the world in the form of music – that melodious vehicle for death and destruction so often inspired by the very demonic muses who also motivate theft, murder and rape – have luckily not gone unnoticed by the United States government. Their wise and righteous decision to detain the unholy fiend as he attempted to land at an airport in this chaste and virginal nation may have saved the lives of millions of innocent Americans, and the Department of Homeland Security, or the American wing of the Knights Templar, as I like to call them, can notch up another victory in the blessed crusade against terrorism.

A mere look back at the ignominious life of this wretched embodiment of darkness plainly shows why he is a clear and present danger to the safety and well-being of the American people, and certainly justifies his being sent immediately back to London after being detained in a Maine airport.

Yusuf Islam, or the Artist Formerly Known As Cat Stevens, rocked the foundations of the musical world in the early 1970s through his plainly blasphemous and warmongering songs like “Wild World,” “Peace Train” and “Morning Has Broken.” Clearly, the lyrics to these Odes to Terrorism show an explicit desire to bring down the pillars of American liberty through militant Islamic tactics, and his wicked, slanderous tongue must be kept out of the United States at all costs.

“Now I’ve been cryin’ lately, thinkin’ about the world as it is. Why must we go on hating? Why can’t we live in bliss?”

Blasphemer! Heretic! Minion of Satan! How dare he utter these incendiary words of anti-American violence under the guise of a folk tune entitled “Peace Train?” Thankfully, for the sake of the many innocent, defenseless women and children in this great nation, the brave men left with the daunting task of maintaining our homeland security managed to see through the pacifistic façade of Cat Stevens’ lyrics.

“What were you going to do with that ‘Peace Train’ of yours, Yusuf Islam? Hijack it and crash it into a skyscraper?” metaphorically shouted Homeland Secretary Tom Ridge. “I know your tricks, sinner!”

Sure, some Islamic-sympathizers in the United States – who accordingly should also be added to all terrorist watch lists – might argue that Islam’s life seems to suggest he does not secretly desire to bring down American democracy through devastating violent action. After all, he did re-record a song last year to raise money for children affected by the U.S.-led war in Iraq. However, what these modern-day Communist infiltrators do not realize is that these “children” whom Islam was apparently aiding will one day grow up to be God-hating worshippers of Allah! Are those the kind of people that we should be trying to help? Where is their American patriotism?

These leftist liars might also argue that Islam’s reception of the 2003 World Social Award for his continued worldwide support of the needy proves that he cannot be a terrorist. However, what these insurgents seem to be forgetting is that many other known terrorists have also attained similar prestige for actions that seem to suggest a passion for world peace. Take, for example, Tariq Ramadan, the so-called Islamic scholar who is renowned in Europe and the Middle East for his major publications on Islamic ethics. Praise the good Lord above that this transmitter of anti-American lies was not permitted to spread his Islamic terrorist tendencies into the puritan minds of Notre Dame students, thereby defiling the sacred Christian teachings instilled in them during their childhoods.

Accordingly, let this be a lesson to you, Cat Stevens. You may think you’re pretty clever because you managed to infiltrate American society in the 1970s with the subliminal messages in your songs like “The First Cut is the Deepest,” but now we’re on to you. We know that you secretly want to take your unholy blade of terror and slice that first cut deep into the flesh of an unsuspecting American institution.

So, Cat, you just keep on singing, “Yes, peace train holy roller. Everyone jump on the peace train.” Those words mean nothing to the righteous American public, and we will send your peace train back to the evil Islamic station from whence it came.

Plus we never have time for music anymore since we started this whole war thing in Iraq.

Joey Falco is a sophomore American Studies major. His column appears every other Monday. He can be contacted at jfalco@nd.edu.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.