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How the neo-cons would “solve” our football woes

Kevin Connolly | Monday, November 1, 2004

On the eve after another terrible football loss, whispers echo under the tarnished dome: whispers of dissent against our leader Tyrone Willingham. Some whisper that we need a new leader, a leader who when we are down by one with fifty seconds left on our own eleven does not call a four-yard pass up the middle to our running back. Against these whispers, I shout: in this time of crisis, we must give our leader unquestioned authority! We must smother the voices of dissent. In a phrase, we must be “Notre Dame Patriotic!”To you who whisper against our leader, we Notre Dame Patriots will round you up and ship you out to the island on St. Joseph’s Lake. Residence Life will give you a ‘fair trial’… in three or four years!On Saturday, too much maroon and gold penetrated our cheering ranks. The administration must establish a department of ‘Hometeam Security’ composed of our best and brightest ushers. We must secure our borders for kelly green alone!Wait a minute! Did I say we lost Saturday’s game? We didn’t lose. Our ‘loss’ was just bias from Lee Corso and the anti-Notre Dame media. Did anyone else see that last-second field goal sail through the uprights?

–Kevin ConnollyKeenan Hall Senior 10-23-04