Some of you may have read the recent article in Sports Illustrated On Campus portraying the timely - and rather cozy - relationship that Matt Leinart has with Nick Lachey. This is absolute bologna. I am way closer to Nick Lachey than Matt Leinart will ever be.
Let me recall a phone conversation I had with Nick prior to the break up:
(Phone rings. Ringtone is "Holla Back Girl" by Gwen Stefani.)
Sam: What's up Nick!?!?!
Nick: Sam, I'm so glad you picked up. We need to talk.
(You can already tell that we are way tighter than him and Matt Leinart. I'll continue...)
Sam: What's up?
Nick: I think Jessica is gonna dump me.
Sam: (Hoping with all of my soul he's serious) No way!!!
Nick: Yeah, I don't know what I'm going to do.
Sam: Nick, just breathe, remember like the time you thought you spilled a mocha Frapuccino on your new white pants but it was only a bad dream?
Nick: Right. I just really need to get away from all this. Can I come out to ND and play some LAX with you, bro?
Sam: I don't know man, its midterm week here. Can't you call Matt Leinart or something? He's not doing anything productive these days.
Nick: To tell you the truth, I only went to USC to try to meet rich girls. Then I met Jess and ... But now, I'm gonna be broke if Jessica dumps me. I had to book some lame interview with Matt Leinart just to pay my water bill!
Sam: Fine. We can play some LAX, but only if you catch.
So you can see, in Nick's greatest time of need, he turned to me to comfort him. I'm not particularly proud of this fact, but even Matt Leinart has to recognize that I am way more important to Nick than he will ever be.
So Matt, if by some off chance you get a copy of this paper and read my column, I want you to know that you will always be second place in the heart of Nick Lachey - and I mean it.
He will never call you on your birthdays and holidays just to say he was thinking of you. You will never get surprise packages full of chocolates and DVDs from the Lifetime Classics Collection. And no matter what happens, you will never ever get to sword fight with pool noodles on long weekends.
One last thing, Matt, Nick called me last night and said one thing:
GO IRISH! BEAT TROJANS!
