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Greg Arbogast | Wednesday, April 19, 2006

At the beginning of this baseball season, the only thing people were counting was how many days it would take Barry Bonds to pass Babe Ruth and, eventually, break Hank Aaron’s record for career home runs.

Two weeks into the season, it has become clear that Bonds has about as much chance of breaking Aaron’s home run record as Mischa Barton does of cracking triple digits on the scale.

I think it’s time for baseball enthusiasts to start a new countdown: How long until the climactic moment when Barry Bonds finally snaps? The moment when the steroid allegations, the gradual depreciation of his body and even the occasional syringe just push Bonds over the edge. And rest assured, when it happens, it will be a moment that goes down in sporting history. Think of Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield in the ear, and now put that moment on steroids (I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist). That will be Barry Bonds at some point this summer.

Now, it’s possible that some of you are among the select few who have heard the rumors floating around that Bonds used steroids during his remarkable climb up the all-time home run standings. Apparently, these rumors caught on because they caused Major League Baseball to start investigating steroid use among its players. This, in and of itself, probably didn’t bother Bonds too much. Even if he did, let’s just say in a hypothetical sense, take steroids, he knew that Major League Baseball’s investigation of his steroid use would probably drag on only to result in an inconclusive and unsatisfying conclusion.

But then Bonds went and got himself in trouble with the government. Just last week, allegations surfaced that Bonds is to face perjury charges for lying under oath to a grand jury in 2003 when he said he unknowingly took steroids. Unfortunately for Bonds, this perjury trial coincides with the release of ‘Game of Shadows,’ which is basically a documentary proving that Bonds has knowingly taken enough steroids over the past eight years to kill a small horse. If rumors of his use of steroids weren’t enough to stress Barry out, maybe the thought of 20 years in jail is.

America has never liked Barry Bonds, but the animosity towards Bonds was reaching new heights. So Bonds did what any logical person in his place would have done: He made a reality television show.

Oh, you haven’t watched an episode of ‘Bonds on Bonds’ yet? Don’t worry, neither has the rest of America. Apparently, people aren’t interested in watching Bonds try to explain why he’s a victim of the system while he’s sitting in the comfort of his private jet.

As for that whole home run chase thing, Bronson Arroyo and Mark Mulder currently have more home runs than Bonds. Oh, I almost forgot. Bonds also has 10-12 bone chips floating around in his elbow.

To review the current state of Barry Bonds’ life. Facing possible jail time, check. Anti-sentiment of public at an all-time high, check. No chance of breaking Hank Aaron’s home run record, check. Let the countdown begin.