Valentine's Day is here once again. Many of you will spend this evening with your Valentine "same-side" dining at the dining hall, or if your boyfriend is lucky enough to have borrowed a roomie's car, enjoying the oh-so-romantic atmosphere of Chili's, or perhaps even The Vine. If you are like me, however, you are most likely to be found pigging out on the box of chocolates your mom sent you while watching "The Notebook" until your tear ducts run dry, alone in your room. Yet if you do find yourself single this Valentine's Day, fear not, for over the years I have discovered that on Valentine's Day, girlfriends are left unsatisfied, while their boyfriends are left in the doghouse because they cannot live up to their girlfriend's "unrealistic" expectations. That does not sound like "the Holiday of Love" to me. But being a girl myself, I understand a woman's expectations on Valentine's Day: they are not that high. Therefore, I have compiled a list of the Top Ten Worst Valentine's Day Gifts to Give a Girl this Year. This way, the fellas will know how not to end up in the doghouse, and unless I've missed a bad gift or two, the ladies will finally have a happy Valentine's Day. So men, read up, and ladies ... you can thank me later.
10. Anything that looks like it might have been purchased at a gas station - Sure, we all have a soft spot in our heart for last-minute spontaneity, but two packs of Big Red and a Zippo lighter isn't exactly what we have in mind.
9. Stale candy - Candy is as much a part of Valentine's Day as the color red. That said, when we open up a box of chocolates and find three pieces missing, two pieces cracked open in search of the caramel filled, and almost break a tooth on one of the remaining pieces, we're going to assume that you are simply re-gifting the candy that you're ex-girlfriend gave you last year.
8. Dinner on the cheap - Guys, Valentine's Day is not the time to call your girlfriend and say, "I know we had reservations at La Salle Grill, but I just found a ton of change in my car, and I could really go for some quarter dogs tonight." You may be thinking, "What guy would ever say that?" Well, the same thought just crossed my mind, but then I remembered I spent last year's Valentine's Day in the Huddle ...
7. A Facebook gift - We all know you get one free gift to give. And while a little picture of a lava lamp or a bar of soap may appear to be the key to your lover's heart, trust me, it's not.
6. A serenade - An exception will be made if your boyfriend can croon like Frank Sinatra. However, for the rest of us, if your guy shows up at your door dressed as Cupid and tries to belt out "My Funny Valentine," it's most likely going to end awkwardly for everyone involved.
5. A membership to the local gym - There is a fairly good chance that you will end up in the doghouse if you use Valentine's Day as an opportunity to gently suggest that your Valentine could stand to lose a few pounds before spring break.
4. A Lasercat - Unless your girlfriend's name is Dr. Scientist, a Lasercat should not be your Valentine's Day gift of choice, because after all, some will use Lasercats for good, and some will use them for evil ...
3. A vacuum cleaner - Believe it or not, trying to pass cleaning supplies off as an acceptable gift will not result in us volunteering to come over and clean your dorm room on a weekly basis.
2. An invitation to come over and watch "24" with your roommates - It's not that we don't like your friends. Really, they're great guys. It's just that we don't want to spend Valentine's Day in a crowded dorm room watching Jack Bauer bite someone in the neck while saving the world one hour at a time.
1. Step one: Cut a hole in a box. Step two ...
Katie Palmitier is a sophomore
political science major. She can be
contacted at kpalmiti@nd.edu
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not
necessarily those of The Observer.
