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Spring break destination: the family couch

Chris McGrady | Tuesday, March 6, 2007

With only a few midterms and papers standing in the way of a week of nothingness, I figured it would be about time to plan my spring break. After booking a trip to the Bahamas, I was shocked to hear that United Airlines doesn’t accept Flex Points. Nor could I make a charge to my student account. Once I realized this, spring break was on me. I decided it might be in my best interest to suck it up, swallow my pride and endure all my friends’ awesome stories about their 18-room villa in the south of France, and just go home. However, I have concocted a loose itinerary of my spring break that I think will appeal to those of us who aren’t jet setting around the globe.

Days 1-3: Operation Sleep Coma

After ingesting a copious amount of Mom’s homemade meatloaf and mashed potatoes, I plan on duct-taping blackout sheets over my windows and slipping into a three-day state of hibernation that will rival even the deepest of post-TC inspired sleeps.

Supplies needed: Meatloaf, duct tape, blackout sheets (Please, no one get the wrong idea.)

Days 4-5: Redefine Couch Potato

I recently learned something about parents. When we children move out of the house, other interests – namely personal happiness and material possessions – replace the time and energy spent on us. A new pet replaced my sister (at least this is living and breathing) and, unsurprisingly, a new television replaced me. I would like to think this is because I may share some positive characteristics with the television, in that it is entertaining and informative. Unfortunately, it’s more likely I share the characteristics of taking up space and being expensive. Whatever.

Despite this, the new TV plays directly into my plan to spend the entirety of these days on the couch, watching basketball and taking advantage of Sam’s Club’s 2-for-1 sale of cheese puffs. I really can’t wait to slip into an orange finger-stained state of bliss. However, I can’t decide what is a more effective way of calling for new refreshments from my parents – a buzzer or a whistle, and I would like to use this opportunity to conduct an informal poll on the position. Feel free to send me an e-mail with your choice.

Supplies needed: Couch, television, remote with fresh batteries, whistle/buzzer

Days 6-7: Operation Parental Mooching

I know, I know. This sounds awful. I’m a bad person, right? Well, to quote my good friend God, “Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.” These last two days will involve some serious mooching efforts, for what I like to call the “Big Three Cs” – cash, cookies and card upgrades. I want Domer Dollars like you don’t even know. Errands will be run. Foot-rubs will be given. Cars will be washed. Hopefully, with the right combination of incessant hints (i.e. “I would love to help the needy…but it’s just so gosh darn expensive and I really can’t afford it right now”) and carefully placed mooching tasks (i.e. “Don’t worry about it Mom, I’ll make dinner. You just rest.”) I hope to leave home a richer man.

So those are my spring break plans. They may not be a trip to Cancun complete with a torrid love affair with Ramon, the saucy pool boy, but it’s all I could muster up. So while you chumps are sweating it out in some shady club or removing the pounds of beach sand from your shorts, I’ll be taking it easy on the couch, which is just fine by me. I guess.

Contact Chris McGrady at cmcgrad1@nd.edu.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.