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Global warming: The upside

Kessler and ... | Friday, September 21, 2007

They’ve done it. After years of coming up short, Looten Plunder, Hoggish Greedly, and Verminous Skumm have done what they set out to do. They’ve defeated Captain Planet. For years they had one goal and one goal only … pollution. These eco-villains never had any monetary goal, no method to their madness …. They just wanted to pollute – plain and simple. They poured toxic sludge on baby seals, released poisonous gasses into nurseries and stuffed landfills full of non-biodegradable materials. Finally, they’ve achieved their goal: Global warming. And we couldn’t be happier.

Global warming is the hottest (pun intended) thing to land in the U.S. – no, the world, since the old Heartland closed up and gave way to Michiana’s number one bar/nightclub. Unfortunately, many are failing to appreciate said hotness. People everywhere are complaining about this “warming trend”. Notre Dame has even pledged to fight global warming in its new commercial. Such a commotion hasn’t been raised over an issue like this since Ricki Lake hung up her mic. But unlike that tragic moment, global warming has tremendous upside.

The best thing about global warming is that it, like the inability to understand the appeal of Drew Barrymore, is global.

Global warming doesn’t discriminate, it affects everyone. Having something awesome in common will help unite people of all nations. No longer will Eskimos and Jamaicans clash over climatic differences. Instead they’ll come together to construct killer sand igloos and stuff like that. Russians and Americans will be able to look past that “Cold” War nonsense and set aside their differences … it’d be like the end of Rocky IV except without the crappy sequel(s). But perhaps most important of all, Africans and Asians will finally have something to talk about at barbeques.(It’s about time!)

Global warming not only heats up the party, but also it cools down the grievances that could potentially stand in the way of a global mega bash (GMB). The kick butt-ness of this party is almost inconceivable to the human mind. Picture the resulting love child of a threesome involving World War II, Woodstock and Mardi Gras, multiply it by infinity and you’ve got roughly 1/3 of the GMB.

Not only does global warming facilitate gargantuan galas, it will also help squash the lamest thing on campus outside of Jimmy Clausen’s haircut … the career fair. The career fair sucks. To get any sort of job you’ve either got to be faker than Lieutenant Dan’s legs or be a complete douche bag. No one likes to stand in line hearing the same joke about how dressed up everyone is, wearing an uncomfortable suit and holding a leather folder that will serve no other purpose in life except to talk to some recruiter who looks like he’s trying to sell ice to Eskimos. Those dudes rattle off more awful jokes than Carlos Mencia in a three hour special. The days of the career fair making students feel like crap about their preparedness for the future are nearing their end. Global warming will solve this problem by making careers out of what used to be strictly summer jobs.

Year-round warm weather will create year-round demand for life-guards, ice cream shop cashiers, dog-walkers, landscapers and countless others. The transition from college employment to permanent career would be seamless. Instead of slumping over your cubicle’s desk, filling out pointless spread sheets and getting Lumberg’s coffee, students will be able to lounge in their guard tower, tell little kids what to do and scope out fly honeyz.

This proves beyond a reasonable doubt that global warming is both a reality and a blessing. Global warming has been scientifically verified by the Kessler and research team in Bellevue, Wash. Now people everywhere will be able to save money on firewood, birds will save on their yearly travel bills, bears will be hangin’ out all year round and penguins suck anyway. TAKE THAT AL GORE!

Kessler and … is a non-profit

pharmaceutical organization in search of a cure for male pattern baldness. Pat Canna, Rick Loesing, and Fritz Shadley contributed to this column. They can be contacted at kesslerand@gmail.com

The views expressed in this column are those of the authors and not necessarily those of The Observer.