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Can’t buy me love?

Julia Grisanti | Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Every day I hear about another friend getting a job offer or getting a medical school interview or sending in a graduate school application. Yet here I am, a senior Arts and Letters major who has not even updated her résumé. I feel physically sick at the very thought of a job interview.

Whatever shall I do? Companies are not banging on my door to hire me. It seems as if there is no bright future in sight for someone like myself.

Instead, I will try for the next best thing – mooching off of someone who does have a future. So successful men of Notre Dame, listen up. (And women, if you want a super awesome friend to support for the rest of your life, keep reading). I could be the perfect one for you.

I can do laundry. Since I probably will not have a job, I can do yours, too. Just don’t ask me to separate lights and darks…that’s not how I roll. I am pretty good at folding and putting things on hangers, so that’s a plus. I also have learned some good laundry-related life lessons, such as never leaving your laundry basket unattended because someone can steal it right in front of your face. True story. Can you tell I’m still bitter?

I can cook you the best meal Lean Cuisine has to offer. I also make a mean plate of scrambled eggs on Saturday morning. Trust me. They blow dining hall eggs out of the water. Since I will probably have a lot of free time on my hands due to the absence of a job, I can learn how to make all kinds of fancy foods by watching the Food Network. I’m fully prepared to kick it up a notch and use exciting spices such as parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.

I like football. Who here doesn’t? Even better, I actually understand it. Not only that, but I can provide you with hours of entertainment (that’s what she said) with my amazing sense of humor. I also know about all the best YouTube videos. (What else do you think I do while I’m not looking for a job?).

If any of this sounds interesting to you, you can look me up on Facebook to make sure I am not some sort of weirdo. Maybe we can hang out sometime and talk about the future, such as where you are planning on living and what kind of benefits your company offers for people who live in your house but are not related to you.

Don’t think I’m selfish. For any other females out there who are in my position, I have a friend who just got a job that offers great benefits. His name is Nick. If you find him, you might just get in his good graces by wishing him a happy birthday. I would just mooch off of him myself, but I want to share the wealth.