Kessler and ... | Friday, January 25, 2008
Let’s get it started (ha!), let’s get it started in here. Let’s get it started (ha!), let’s get it started in here. After wasting far too much time trying to come up with an adequate introduction to this article, we concluded that anything we came up with would pale in comparison to the words of the Black Eyed Peas. Now that we got things “started (ha)” on to the topic at hand … how the new Budweiser spokesman is the embodiment of all the worst qualities of every jerk we’ve ever met
For all of you who watched the AFC and/or NFC championship games, no matter who you were rooting for, I think there is something we can all agree upon. The new Budweiser guy is a huge d-bag. Who is this condescending butt clown and why is he wearing that obnoxious sweater and sport jacket combo.
I think we all know what this guy’s story is: He was second team all conference in hockey as well as the captain of the football team which made it to state his junior year. After high school he went to the same college as 69 percent of his graduating class and was a preferred walk-on to the football team. After quitting halfway through his freshman season he joined a fraternity where he earned the nickname “Moose” for his drinking prowess. Junior year, well on his way to his communications degree, he met his wife, Jenni, at the Phi Delta Phi “Jungle Jamboree.”
Fast forward 20 years and they are married with three boys. No longer known as “Moose,” he prefers to be called “Coach” since he coaches his 12-year-old son’s traveling baseball team. He is a really crappy coach and continually plays his son way more than other kids even though his son throws like Smalls at the beginning of “The Sandlot.” Up 15 runs, he has no problem stealing second and then third. He enjoys bullying the pimple-faced 14-year-old umpires not just to get the calls but out of the pure pleasure he gets from seeing a pre-pubescent boy cower in fear. Finally, he intentionally walks the opposition’s top players to reach the uncoordinated weiners at the bottom of the batting order.
As if his on field actions weren’t lame enough, this is the same dude that brags amount his hemi-loaded Dodge Ram and eats three quarters of his meal before deciding he doesn’t like it and demanding a refund. Furthermore, this stud is the one creepy old guy who is always overly willing to buy beer for the high school kids in hopes of gettin’ some from a 16-year-old JV cheerleader.
This patronizing douche is supposed to make me want to drink Budweiser “premium lager” by talking to real fake-looking people in a picturesque bar setting? I really wonder who thought it was a good idea to make this stereotypical meat head the face of Budweiser. I mean, I think everyone feels like they kind of know that guy or have met his type of person at some time in their life, but the only problem is when you think of that guy you immediately then think about how much he sucks and make that comment to the nearest person whereupon they agree and bring up something about him that you didn’t know you hated.
Kessler and … is a non-profit
pharmaceutical organization in search of a cure for male pattern baldness. Rick Loesing, Pat Canna, Dave Ferron, Ces Knee and Matt Lisowski contributed to this column. They can be contacted at email@example.com
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