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Hail to the Chief

Katie Peralta | Friday, February 8, 2008

Like the Saint Mary’s executive student body president and vice-president, Chris Hine recently ran unopposed in and won the election for Editor in Chief for The Observer’s 2008-2009 term. Maybe he ran unopposed because he intimidated the competition. Maybe it was because no one else wanted to run. Or maybe it was because he was endorsed by the likes of Oprah, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I can say now that I feel more than honored to be writing this … and no, Chris is no longer standing over my shoulder.

I was first introduced to this fine individual back in December, when I was informed that he would be my date to The Observer’s annual holiday office party.

“Hey, are you Chris?” I asked the strapping fellow sitting behind me one night at work.

“Yes, you must be Katie. Guess what? I am missing a knuckle on my left hand,” replied Chris, holding up a left hand with the fourth finger about the same length as the pinky finger.

“Wow, are you serious?” He was. Serious as the ulcer BMac gives Kyle Cassily.

This was my first impression of our new Master and Commander. Since his inception as leader of the finest newsprint this side of the Mississippi (sorry Karen, I am editorializing), Chris has thus far implemented several of his promised initiatives for his minions down in the basement of South Dining Hall.

Chris recently installed hot tubs for the general use of Observer staffers, which is why you may have noticed many of us are spending far more hours down here in the Swamp. This makes those long 12-hour shifts far more bearable – desirable even.

Chris has also made major improvements on the entertainment that many staffers wanted, particularly those who were fed up with South Park and SportsCenter. He recently installed twenty brand new XBox 360s on which subordinates may engage in Halo, FIFA, and NCAA.

Chris’s philosophy is that as long as you keep winning, you do not have to work, but if you lose you have to work. And you get paid by the win. Now you see why we run those Write News ads?

Additionally, Chris has erected a gourmet Texas steak house right across from Shirley the office manager’s office. Chris accepts nothing but the highest quality for his faithful staff, which is why he has also switched out The Observer’s ancient swirly chairs for new state-of-the-art Sharper Image massage chairs.

To say that I feel fortunate to call Christopher my superior is an understatement. Look out, Hillary. Here comes Hine.