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Hockey: Late-running season scares team

Adam Banks | Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Editor’s Note: This article is a part of The Observer’s April Fools Special Section and is not meant to be taken seriously.

A frightened and confused Notre Dame hockey team refused to step onto the ice for practice today after seeing that the calendar had changed to April.

The Irish, who are headed to play in the Frozen Four in less than two weeks, became disorientated when they entered the locker room and realized they had to play hockey after March. Several players broke down in tears, while others fled to protect themselves from the month.

“This just isn’t right,” said Irish captain Clark Van Builder, who had wrapped himself in tin foil to camouflage himself from April. “We’ve never had to do this before, and we’re all scared. I heard that if you play hockey in April, your face grows a beard. Can you imagine that?”

Notre Dame head coach Jack Jefferson, furious upon learning that his team was still playing hockey in the crucial offseason training period, called the Irish “the biggest bunch of lazy, cake-eating pansies he had ever seen.” Jefferson vowed the Irish will pay dearly for all the 6 a.m. workouts they will miss while playing in the Frozen Four.

“They thought 6 a.m. was bad? Wait till they see what I have planned,” Jefferson said in between clean and jerks of a dazed and badly beaten CCHA referee. “I bought a slave galley out on Lake Michigan. They’re going to row until they learn teams win games with offseason work.”

The Joyce Center rink was a chaotic scene the rest of the afternoon.

Seniors Steve Stankin and Rock Greehan attempted to blend into the fencing practice above the arena but were kicked out when they speared the team’s best fencers with their hockey sticks.

“They were Eastern European,” Stankin protested. “That’s the only way you can slow them down.”

Stankin, screaming that April was coming for him, had to be removed at saber-point. Greehan hacked his way out of the fencing gym and immediately put himself in the penalty box.

Junior right wing Connor Eriksson patrolled the outside of the Joyce Center in a motorized scooter, wearing only a jock strap and carrying a stick. The Notre Dame Security Police were called when Eriksson began to challenge passersby to joust.

NDSP followed Eriksson in a slow-speed chase to the library, where the deranged forward jumped out of his scooter and fell flat on his face.

“The same thing happens to him when he tries to skate, down he goes,” Van Builder said. “It’s sad, really. We all feel bad for him. Most days he has to skate with a traffic cone or else he falls down.”

The body of freshman goalie Sherm Lips lay at center ice, the na’ve victim of a dozen Notre Dame players who believed a sacrifice to the hockey gods could protect them from April hockey. Led by junior center Islam Branson, the players built a fortress of pucks along the goal line and lured Lips into their trap with promises of more playing time and tips on how to survive puberty.

“Playing this late in any season goes against everything Notre Dame athletics stand for,” athletic director Melvin Black said. “I applaud the efforts of Branson and company to try to keep national championships away. That Lips kid had it coming anyway.”

There were a few Irish players, however, who weren’t ready to give up.

Senior defensemen Stan CaNard and Ryan Farsi officially transferred today to the Irish women’s club hockey team, where they will compete for the fifth and sixth spots on the women’s blue line.

“Hey, at least they’ll let me play there,” CaNard said. “And I’m pretty sure no one can hurt me for once.”