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I declare a Viewpoint war!!!

John Mark Karr | Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Editor’s Note: This article is a part of The Observer’s April Fools Special Section and is not meant to be taken seriously.

Hey fellow Domers! Inside Column here. Some of you may know me from my daily musings on life, but others of you may pass right over me on your way to Sports to read about Charlie Weis’ rose-scented bowel movements or those other “sports” that we tolerate in between football seasons.

If you’re one of my fans, then I want to say thanks for being there for me through the years as I write about topics that only I care about, like spring weather, assorted lists, passing torches or 9/11. But if you do enjoy reading me everyday, then you’ll notice that I don’t get quite as much attention as a certain other section of this paper. I’m ready to make a confession: I hate Viewpoint and I’d like to take this opportunity to declare war. Viewpoint war.

I mean, why hasn’t there been an Inside Column vs. Viewpoint war yet? Sure I don’t talk about the state of Notre Dame’s Catholic identity or the ineffectiveness of student government, but opinion is opinion and at least I don’t ramble on about soap operas and “How I Met Your Mother” or whatever else Scene & Heard feels the need to talk about as she watches marathons of “America’s Next Top Model” all day.

And it’s not like Viewpoint is little Miss Perfect either. I was driving to my apartment in Clover Ridge and I totally caught Viewpoint walking back from Turtle Creek wearing the same Britney-worthy dress and red high heels from the night before. Rumor has it, she’s been spending a few too many nights at Sports’ apartment. For as much as she’s against the “Vagina Monologues,” her vagina sure has been doing a lot of talking lately. Maybe she’s getting some pointers from those Saint Mary’s girls she seems to love so much (Ah! Stereotype!).

Actually, I hear Viewpoint has been around the block with everyone except for Scene. Scene’s too busy watching “The Wire” and talking about how excited he is for the new “Indiana Jones” movie.

All I know is that if Viewpoint wants to keep her credibility, she better stop flirting with Comics so much. I mean, seriously? All he does is sit on his futon playing “Halo,” thinking of lame jokes about squirrels or ugly girls (because guys here really have room to talk).

So bring it Viewpoint. I hear Crossword and Horoscope talking behind your back everyday. And it turns out that Question of the Day and Offbeat were talking smack too before I scared them off in the bathroom so I could smoke cigarettes rolled with old copies of the Irish Rover and Scholastic. So let’s start a war and try to give Notre Dame students a break from all this talk about vaginas. Retaliation is up to you.