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NDNation gathers in person, mongers hate

NDSWEET23015 | Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Editor’s Note: This article is a part of The Observer’s April Fools Special Section and is not meant to be taken seriously.

Members of the Notre Dame sports message board ndnation.com gathered outside the South Bend Tribune building for a rally Monday that onlookers mistook alternately for a large all-male orgy and pagan blood sacrifice.

The posters, many of whom had left their computers for the first time since Signing Day, were greeted by their leader, Kim Cappuccino, and treated to a long-winded, opinionated and often violent opening address. After the speech ended, the thousands of screaming men stripped naked and did an interpretative dance based on the 1966 Michigan State game.

“Normally we like to relive our college years vicariously through the message board,” said poster Brady’s Fluffer, who would only be identified by his online handle. “But this really lets us get together and channel all our hate at once. It’s way better than the time I wrote a haiku about Zbikowski’s pass coverage. He sucks.”

The revelers pounded Appletinis and Fuzzy Navels well into the afternoon until rally leaders cut back alcohol consumption when it was discovered that preparations for an Elephant Walk had almost been completed.

But then the day’s festivities kicked into high gear.

The posters danced naked around a burning effigy of Kevin White, their bodies covered in blue and gold paint and their faces smeared with the blood of South Bend Tribune columnist Jeff Carroll. Several dancers became confused at the remarkable likeness of the effigy and received third-degree burns in an attempt to “teach him how to make a schedule.”

As the sun set, the posters formed a circle and dropped to their knees around a life-size statue of offensive lineman Sam Young made from a mixture of Spam and their own tears. An elaborate ceremony followed in which pale, out-of-shape posters fought each other to the death with sharpened keyboards.

“We fight so that we may live. We live so that we may watch. We watch so that we may ridicule others mercilessly from behind our computer screens while our wife goes grocery shopping with the kids,” said poster I’m Bored at Work, Hate My Life and Am Filled With Irrational Anger.

Notre Dame anthropology professor Winfred Q. Brentley observed the rally with students from his Introduction to Cults and Groupthink class.

“The sheer intensity of their hate for any and all things is just mind-boggling,” Brentley said. “They were like piranhas – fat, nerdy, non-athletic piranhas.”

By nightfall, the tensions that had run through the crowd all day changed to fear as the members realized what the ramifications of their rally would be.

“I’m not sure how we can go back to the old ways,” poster Senior You Never See Who Lives in the Single said. “Before, we posted anonymously from our computers and no one knew who we were. We were untouchables, there was no accountability anywhere. Now … we’ve seen faces, talked to people. My God, we’ve seen souls. We can never go back. There’s responsibility now. Not like it was.”

The planned roast of football coach Charlie Weis over a fire pit had to be cancelled as dispirited and frightened posters headed back to their cubicles.

“Today was really a big success for us,” Cappuccino said. “I was disappointed we had to cancel the roast, I was really looking forward to the months of leftovers we would have had. But if we get another three-win season, trust me, we will feast.”