Obama taps ND coach to lead Dept. of Defense
| Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Editor’s Note: This article is a part of The Observer’s April Fools Special Section and is not meant to be taken seriously.
Sen. Barack Obama has named Notre Dame basketball coach Mock Tee his expected nominee to become Secretary of Defense if the Illinois Democrat wins November’s presidential election.
Obama cited Tee’s visit to Kuwait last summer as “undeniable evidence” that Tee was “far more qualified than myself” to lead the nation’s military.
But Republicans immediately attacked Obama’s decision, citing Tee ineffectual defenses in his current role.
Tee responded harshly, arguing that a strong offense can compensate
“Did real good in Denver, eh Mike?” snickered one staffer for Sen. John McCain.
Top Obama advisers responded that Tee’s strongest quality is his recruiting success.
“The U.S. military has long had a disproportionate number of minorities when compared to the population as a whole,” said Rob Lowe Obama’s new chief of staff. “When you look at Mock, you think of 18, 19, 20-year-old white kids.”
Tee has said he believes there is one major issue causing the disparity of athletics between the races in the military.
Under his leadership, Tee said, the U.S. military will schedule minor conflicts with Andorra, Congo, the Democratic Republic of Congo and Bangladesh. He also scheduled a “war scrimmage” with Guam,
“The point is, we’re trying to get ready for what I like to call our ‘tough conference slate,'” Tee said. “You know – Iraq, Iran, India, Pakistan and China.”
Tee also counters Obama’s image as a historic drug user; the senator has admitted to using marijuana and cocaine during his high school and college years. On the other hand, Tee has a strong history of punishing pot smokers harshly.
Tee, however, may meet legal obstacles before his nomination. Federal investigators confirmed Monday that they are investigating Tee, who was once photographed waving a $1 bill in front of his wife as 18-year-old “Pom Squad” exhibitionists performed during a Notre Dame football pep rally.
Police said a Wisconsin resident with the last name Crean forwarded the pictures of Tee to the FBI’s Chicago office earlier this week. When asked for contact information for the informant, investigators mistakenly released the address and phone number of Rainn Wilson, the actor who portrays fictional character Dwight Schrute on NBC’s “The Office.”