The Absurder endorses student government. All of it.
| Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Editor’s Note: This article is a part of The Observer’s April Fools Special Section and is not meant to be taken seriously.
Student government has done it again.
Despite the student body’s typically demanding expectations, no one was surprised when, mirroring last year’s success, all student body concerns were addressed in the productive, issue-oriented approach that has come to characterize everything about student government at Notre Dame.
“We had a great year,” said outgoing student body president Fiz Beige at the impromptu, student-organized recognition ceremony held last Friday. “For one, student government single handedly stopped the Common Council ordinance,” she continued, referring to the proposed legislation cited as unconstitutional by lawyers and unenforceable by SBPD.
Katie McDomer, who helped to organize the surprise ceremony, summed up the general attitude of the more than 2,500 present, an attitude echoed here at The Absurder.
“I just couldn’t sit down and let their tireless, unflagging commitment to student issues go uncelebrated,” McDomer said. “I haven’t even been paying attention to key student issues like resume-padding and meaningless political machinations,” she continued, referring to student government’s well-known policies designed to harness the prestige associated with illusory power.
Beige and student body vice president Paris Lawn had been forced to leave their class after a mob assembled outside DeBartolo and began chanting their names. After stepping outside, students rushed to place them atop separate thrones, which were subsequently carried to South Quad for the ceremony.
This is exactly the sort of leadership advocated by The Absurder. The illustrious reign of Beige and Lawn, though over in principle, will never be over in spirit. Of course, it must also be noted that their accomplishments were bolstered greatly by the loyal service of senator Tim Dockwood, whose puppet rule master plan was a shining example of student government in its purest form – empty debate over internal procedures wholly unadulterated by confused attempts at action.
The future, too, looks bright.
Campaign posters for all successful tickets were a fitting tribute to the best student government values: Smiling, eye contact, bullet points, and postures that are both powerful and friendly.
Going above and beyond simple posters, the winners of the presidency/vice presidency – Rice and Smith – combined all the key ingredients of a good poster with the more wide-reaching platform of a Web site. Lofty, immeasurable goals like “bridging the gap” and “forging relationships” are the key to building on the monumental accomplishments of the last regime.
The Absurder knows that student government will continue its impressive and formidable legacy. Keep up the good work.