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The Sorting Hat

Justin Tardiff | Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Congratulations to the admitted students of the class of 2012.I know this column makes two in a row I’ve written about Harry Potter, but I had this idea long ago. I’ll make up for my geekiness with a column about the NCAA tournament next week.If Notre Dame had a sorting hat for the incoming class, this is what it would say:

Welcome to all the new students, You’re in for quite a find. Once you’re on campus, you will seeIt’s the best of its kind.The dorms all have great qualities,Which fit each student’s needs.Their staff, traditions and locales Create their unique creeds.Want to live with celebrity?St. Edwards will trump all.You can indulge your star crushesWith phenoms down the hall.Cavanaugh has quite picturesque Views of our fair Lady.But better still, Starbucks is justA minute’s walk away.Not sure if east or west is best?Pasquerilla’s for you.Pyros or Weasels: this hat knowsNo better of the two.If history strikes your fancy,Then Sorin would be great.The first dorm on this campus, itsTower rooms are first-rate.Spell your ‘f’s like this: ‘ph’?You should live in Pangborn.A hall that is unrivaled yet,Despite Keenan’s harsh scorn.Young athletes may like Keenan Hall,Whose football reigns supreme. And their Revueing talents keep Us splitting at the seams.Like volleyball? Well, MorrisseyMay just fit you the best.Unless you like tomatoes, though,You should hope for the rest.If you find endless walks are fun,You’re right at home in Carroll.It’s nice and close to SMC,But that could be your peril.If alternate lifestyles areYour so-called cup of tea,Zahm Hall will gladly welcome you Just how? You wait and see.Wish your dorm lived on the edge?In Fisher you will findMore ResLifes in one night alone Than most others combined.If only dorm rules changed with times, Life would be more fulfilling.Parietals and drinking rules Could be revamped, God willing. But we get by, and so will you,Just make sure to remember,To keep away from LaFortuneLate evenings in December.But welcome, and prepare for times Of past to be rebuked:Next year we show, once and for all,Last season was a fluke.