Thousands of fetal corpses found under South Quad
Ignominy | Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Editor’s Note: This article is a part of The Observer’s April Fools Special Section and is not meant to be taken seriously.
SOUTH QUAD – In a shocking turn of events, the white crosses that adorn this quad periodically to commemorate aborted fetuses were shown to mark the graves of thousands of actual fetuses.
The fetuses were discovered Monday night by an NDSP sting operation, the first of its kind to be launched entirely on a fleet of Segway and Rascal scooters.
Alerted to the possibility that vandals would desecrate the demonstration – popularly known as Graveyard of the Innocents – the responding officers were shocked to find the executive board of the Notre Dame Right to Life Club were moonlighting as gravediggers.
All students involved were immediately tased.
“Using our full force of six security – I mean police -officers, we were able to apprehend the suspects,” said NDSP spokesman Jill Phonson.
Phonson was unable to say the last time a troupe of pro-life activists had buried fetuses on campus. He did not have access to information about the time, exact location, number of suspects, where the fetuses came from or where they would be taken.
The Absurder contacted Right to Life President Virginia Christianson at her Grotto office, where she was praying for the souls of “the tased, the tasers and the babies.”
When asked why Right to Life had not revealed sooner that the “Graveyard” was not in fact a metaphorical demonstration, Christianson said campus apathy required drastic measures.
“They just weren’t getting it,” Christianson said. “But if planting the remains of thousands of babies beneath the main campus thoroughfare doesn’t convince this student body of the seriousness of protecting human life, I don’t know what will.”
Within student government, Council of Representatives was called to an emergency meeting to advise student body president Izza Clown about responses to the Graveyard revelations. The group was dismissed after failing to meet quorum.
Though the burials typically take place after dark, some club members experience scheduling conflicts with their night theology classes.
“Fortunately for us, Notre Dame has been accommodating to any – and all – requests for funding, heavy machinery, exceptions to SAO regulations … Really, you name it,” Christianson said. “In this case, they said our members can be excused from classes for what is, after all, an activity that supports our mission.”
University spokesman Bennis Drown said he cannot comment on specifics of the case.
“The University supports in whole the traditionally Catholic mission – and tactics – of the Right to Life Club,” Drown said. “Sometimes the ends justify the means. Look, [insert reporter name], haven’t you ever heard of the Inquisition?”