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A solution to the Palin problem

Letter to the Editor | Thursday, September 25, 2008

When I read the article written by Brendan McPhillips on Sen. John McCain’s selection of Gov. Sarah Palin as his vice presidential candidate (“Country second,” Sept. 23) I most certainly agreed with him. Palin, like Pedro, lacks political experience. This hurts McCain in his race against Sen. Barack Obama, who is much more qualified to run our great nation.

He’s been in the U.S. Senate for nearly four years, which is far superior to … a little longer than … Palin’s two years as a governor.

And he’s done so much for the country too! He’s … uh … supported the Secure Fence Act! And don’t forget the revolutionary Coburn-Obama Transparency Act!

Oh, and I almost forgot how Obama won his first political seat in the Illinois Senate: by default. How smart of him to disqualify the other five candidates, including the heavily-favored incumbent, on fundraising technicalities. I always figured that if I ever wanted to get elected in a democratic system, I too would eliminate any and all competition as well, no matter what it took.

No worries, children. I have given this some thought, and I believe I have a solution to our problem. We are going to need to take action to keep Palin from sneaking into “the second most powerful office in the country, if not the world,” as McPhillips so eloquently puts it. Fortunately, our solution is McPhillips himself!

Your subtlety did not slip by me unnoticed, sir. You said so yourself in your article: “I am more qualified for the vice presidency than Sarah Palin is.” So what are we waiting for? Call up McCain! Let him know we have an even better running mate for him!

Nevermind the fact that McPhillips has never governed a state, or held any sort of national office. We already know he is confident that he can do a better job. I can think of no better person to be in what could be the world’s second-highest spot.

Alright, let’s sum this up. Crisis: “History will write off John McCain’s decision to offer the vice presidency to Sarah Palin, as the single most irresponsible decision a presidential candidate has made in the modern era.” Solution: History will praise John McCain’s decision to offer Brendan McPhillips the vice presidency over Palin as the single greatest turn of events ever constructed by a presidential candidate in the modern era. Crisis averted.

Good work, boys. Let’s go home.

Douglas Schuda


O’Neil Hall

Sept. 23