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On pictures and statuses

Kaitlyn Conway | Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Darling Facebookers,

As I said last week, our problems on Facebook are numerous and varied. I have returned this week to address a different set of problems. I hope that you have curtailed your wall malpractices since then, and that you are ready to learn about a new set of problems.

This week, we shall address the issues inherent in status updates and profile pictures.

Oh, the status update. The epitome of letting your closest friends and the people who don’t even know you in on the details of your life. But sometimes, people just take it too far. Kids, I don’t want to see the details of your messy breakup on my status feed. I don’t need to know what you’re doing every five seconds. There are fine lines here between acceptable and unacceptable.

For example: if you must angst in your status, use song lyrics. It’s acceptable if the song is stuck in your head, especially if it describes how you FEEL. What’s even better is if it’s obscure song lyrics that make me perhaps wonder what exactly it is you have been doing to make a moment a crime. If you truly feel the need to express your angst, keep it general – your close friends can ask about it, and the rest of us apathetic folks can just keep on going on with our days without wondering why random so-and-so is all upset.

Now, I know we discussed what to not to do on a wall when one is … hmm … not in one’s best state of mind. It is, however, perfectly acceptable to update your status in this state. We all like seeing your random choice of grammar and your meaningless words that can be blended into awesome nicknames. It’s amusing. We, the people, like to be amused.

That being said, the most acceptable form of status – other than something you’re actually doing that isn’t updated every hour with the same thing or a slight variation – is something witty. Make me laugh, people. Say something completely ridiculous, or something clever, or something thoughtful. Keep the masses entertained.

That said, there are other factors of your profile that also need to be kept classy. Like your profile picture.

Folks, WHY, in the name of all that is good and holy, would you want a picture of you in a bikini or you, well, not in the right state of mind, on your profile? This trend baffles me. It is a bane to Facebook. Keep it to pictures of you and your friends – maybe your pet, or even your car. But at least keep it classy – and keep it real. There are all sorts of creepers out there – don’t encourage them! What is the appeal of a non-classy picture, anyhow? Do you want everyone to think of you as swimsuit-clad or drunk out of your mind, and that be the only facet of you they know?

I didn’t think so.

So keep your statuses entertaining, and your pictures classy. Use this wisdom to create a better tomorrow… on Facebook.