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Rays’ play: not sexy

Bill Brink | Thursday, October 30, 2008

Stupid Rays.

Thanks to them, I have to watch the “Sex and the City” movie.

What in God’s name brought about this unfortunate chain of events? How did I bury myself in this predicament? I placed faith in the Rays, something which, as history should show us, I never should have done.

I had a bet with my girlfriend on the World Series. If the Rays win, she had to watch “Clerks” with me. “Clerks” is one of my top 10 favorite movies, one of the greatest of all time. Dante and Randall’s witty banter demonstrate what’s really important in life, especially in today’s dreary climate. Who cares that the economy is in the dumpster? Who cares that we’re involved in two wars? Isn’t it much more important to understand the dichotomy between the destruction of the Death Star in “A New Hope” and “Return of the Jedi?”

The hockey game on the roof, the funeral, the unfortunate death in the convenience store bathroom: sheer brilliance.

Instead, I have to watch Charlotte and Miranda parade around New York City comparing their Prada handbags and Manolo Blahnik kicks.

Game 1 was an aberration. Game 2, the Rays got back on track. Game 3 was a great baseball game. Game 4 just sucked. Once Game 5 rolled around with Hamels as the starter, I thought the Rays were done for.

But then fate intervened; God didn’t want me to watch “Sex and the City” after all. He let Upton steal second and score on Pena’s single, meaning the game was tied when rain forced its stoppage. I thought for sure that was the last sign the Rays needed. But no, Joe Maddon must have liked the movie and wanted to make sure I saw it.

I have no interest. The only relation I have to “Sex and the City” is the one time Charlotte was on “Seinfeld.” Jerry dropped her toothbrush in the toilet, prompting her to retaliate and send Jerry on a germaphobia-induced cleaning frenzy. Good times.

I’ve seen one episode of the TV show; I think I saw it with my step mom. It’s the one where Kim Cattrall dates a rabid Knicks fan, and she can’t sleep with him unless the Knicks win. As a rabid Knicks fan myself, that episode wasn’t half-bad. Maybe it will be like “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” and there will be a scene at Madison Square Garden with the Knicks in the playoffs.

So thanks to Ryan Howard and Shane Victorino and the rest of the Phillies, I won’t enjoy watching Jay and Silent Bob waste their day away outside the Quick Stop, or the egg-obsessed shopper rolling eggs down the aisle to ensure their quality. Instead, I’ll hear four 30-something-year-old women whining about their boyfriends – or lack thereof. The whole time, I’ll think of one thing: how sweet it will taste when my beloved Yankees mop the floor with Tampa Bay next April.