To the eleven and a half girls and one camel (a surprisingly good kisser) that I have hooked up with this semester,
First, I would like to thank you for your time and consideration. It is an honor to have made it through your rigorous selection process.
Second, I would like to make it abundantly clear that I do not plan on marrying any of you. In fact, I would like to publicly pronounce to everyone that I am not, in fact, looking for a relationship, and my random hookups are in no way my own way of coping with my deep-seated desire for a meaningful relationship.
Third, I would also like to thank everyone for reading this, both on campus and on the Internet around the world. Presumably, you all now know that I have casual morals. I'm glad I could finally get that out there to everyone, especially my parents. Mom and Dad, I know you would be so proud if you could only have seen me in the heat of the moment.
Fourth, despite my complete lack of interest in a relationship, I am wondering why you don't want to be one of my very best friends. Those nights were so magical. In fact, I even remember most of your first names. Presumably, we could even get started on learning last names too at some point. If making out randomly after 30 seconds of conversation isn't enough to base a friendship on, how am I supposed to make friends of the opposite sex at this school?
Fifth, and finally, I would like to thank The Observer for running this letter. After all, I could have simply contacted you individually via Facebook or some other medium. Instead, I am glad that I have the chance to share my feelings and insecurities with the rest of the world as well.
Will Guappone
junior
Fisher Hall
Nov. 19
