I am writing to add my voice to the recent Viewpoints published regarding the great squirrel quandary present on our campus. The latest submission from Sirs Helgesen and Stein suggested that we create a special taskforce of felines trained to specifically target Notre Dame's squirrel problem.
I say that this solution would be both irresponsible and downright unintelligent. It is highly likely that these well-trained and highly-disciplined cats would dispose of their big-eyed prey quite quickly, leaving them with nothing else to engage their energies. When this happens, who will become their next targets?
It is well-known that cats are incredibly fickle creatures that show little to no actual love for their masters. Their special training and experience may give them the confidence to turn to larger prey. Namely, us. Instead of writing about "Our big-eyed bushy-tailed problem" we would be discussing a new "sharp-clawed, lightning-quick problem." This, my friends, is unacceptable.
Who knows what manner of grievous scratch- or allergy-related injuries may result from such recklessness? I agree with the gentlemen previously mentioned that Ms. Adam's suggestion of "working with nature, not against it," is an insult to this university.
I propose that the only viable solution to the squirrel issue is an administration-coordinated squirrel fight. Each dorm could sponsor one or two of our little "friends" in a campus-wide, bracket-style tournament. This would not only take care of our problem, but it would also be a clean, fun-filled occasion for the whole family. The proceeds from this event could be donated to charity, such as the local animal shelter or the Humane Society of St. Joseph County.
Having weighed all of the options presented, I humbly submit this proposal for the consideration of Our Lady's University and the surrounding community. Only by taking decisive action can we persevere in this struggle.
Patrick Gill
freshman
Alumni Hall
Jan. 28
