Amidst the start of a new semester, a dwindling basketball season, and a never-ending, controversial war on parietals, Notre Dame students are consistently identifying one issue as more important than the rest: "the great squirrel quandary," as Mr. Patrick Gill called it in his recent letter.
I am writing to tell you, fellow Domers, that while your attention to this problem is well-deserved, you are approaching it in the wrong fashion. We must not focus on solving the problem's current symptoms, as Gill suggests with the option of a squirrel fight, but rather tackling its causes. Clearly, the squirrels require an unprecedented action in the form of an economic stimulus package.
Due to poor speculation and low interest rates (commonly defined as cold and ice), many squirrels have been subject to recent foreclosures of their homes. The number of unemployed squirrels is also higher than it has been in decades as a result of Notre Dame students' attempts at "going green" and thus improving their waste disposal techniques.
We need to get these squirrels back on their feet and in the trees so they can lead productive lives of their own without disrupting ours. I propose that the student senate pass an $80,000 stimulus package immediately. This package would include several miles of underground transport for the squirrels, grants to every squirrel family for investment and down payments on homes, and an increase in the number of fellowships to spur acorn collection and ice removal innovation.
Of course, this package does need to be paid for. I propose an indirect tax based on flex points -' for every twenty flex points spent, one point goes towards the economic stimulus package. Such a deduction will hardly be noticed by flex-point dependent students, and it will quickly provide resources for the squirrels.
I agree with the previous writers that something needs to be done about the squirrel program on our esteemed campus, and this package is clearly the most economical solution. If we do not act quickly and boldly, our problems will only get worse. It is our responsibility as Notre Dame students, holders of a legacy, to usher in a new era of peace between ourselves and our furry neighbors.
Elise Garton
freshman
McGlinn Hall
Jan. 29
