A how-to guide for Lenten sacrifice
Brad Blomstrom | Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Happy Day-After-Mardi-Gras, everyone. I hope last night’s bacchanalia has filled you with enough party memories to get you through the slow slog of Lent. (Side note: Did you know that there are around seven shots of liquor in a standard hurricane? I do now. Here’s to waking up in bonus time!). Given that my Mardi Gras isn’t really “over” yet, I feel obligated to spread some leftover Mardi Gras cheer.
Ash Wednesday finds many of us scrambling to come up with a “good thing” to give up for Lent. It must be something that is completely manageable, yet substantial enough for us to avoid embarrassment when discussing it in the company of friends (lest we be out-Catholicked!). For those facing some Ash Wednesday anxiety, here is some insight into the real reasons behind some of your friends’ sacrifices:
I’m giving up sweets / going on a diet
Read: I’m going to Panama City for Spring Break next week and the crash diet begins now. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
I’m giving up drinking excessively
Read: I came up with this while experiencing one of the worst hangovers of my life. After the Backer on Saturday, I said to myself, “Self, I’m never doing this to you again.” Until it’s time to pregame Fever on Thursday. Then I’m back off the wagon and back on the blackout train.
I’m giving up swearing
Read: That darn rap music has ruined my vocabulary, and I’ll be gosh-darned if I don’t do something about it during Lent. Wait, I have a paper due tomorrow that I forgot about? F*** this!
I’m giving up chocolate
Read: My girlfriend/boyfriend dumped me last week and I have all of this leftover chocolate from Valentine’s Day that I am not eating. I don’t care how delicious it is. If I eat it, [the ex] wins.
I’m giving up facebook
Read: There may or may not be pictures of me from last night in which I would not like to be tagged. Body shots? Not on my Newsfeed!
People that choose this option usually get to keep eating chocolate during Lent.
I’m giving up Subway
Read: I’m one of those clowns making five-dollar-footlong fools of themselves by boycotting the most popular eatery on campus.
I’m giving up gossip, from a girl
“Gossip” refers to celebrity gossip. Read: The Oscars are over, so my craving to judge strangers over insignificant fashion choices has been satisfied.
I’m giving up gossip, from a guy
“Gossip” refers to claiming to have inside information on the football team and debating whether Manti Te’o will win three or four Butkus Awards. Read: Bowl season is over and spring practice is a long way off, so the legitimacy of my inside information is already questionable at best.
“But what of the Daft Punk,” you might ask. There must be something he is giving up that might draw my scorn and ridicule!” You are right, dear reader, and out of fairness I will tell you. I am giving up ticking off good-hearted Teach for America supporters. A good number of them do want to be teachers, and I think they deserve some credit. As for the rest, thank God we all get to break our promises on Sunday.
Brad Blomstrom is a senior majoring in finance and economics. He found the baby in the king cake last night, but no one followed his decree that he be addressed as “your royal highness.” He can be contacted at email@example.com injustice” instead of using our schools as a career launching pad.
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