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Valentine’s Day don’ts

Irena Zajickova | Friday, February 13, 2009

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, many Notre Dame students may need help figuring out what to buy for that special someone.

Unfortunately, I can’t help you.

This was made abundantly clear to me when an anonymous male friend asked me what he should give his girlfriend, and then shot all of my suggestions down. Apparently, I’m too stupid to know what girls want for Valentine’s Day. Even though I am, in fact, a girl who wants stuff for Valentine’s Day.

However, I’m pretty sure that I’m qualified to tell you what NOT to buy. I’ve been subjected to many awful gifts.

Below, I’ve compiled a handy list of presents that you should avoid at all costs.

For him:

uA decorative box. Boys don’t store their belongings in decorative boxes. Unless the box is decorated with beef jerky or pictures of attractive sportscaster Erin Andrews, skip this one.

uSweaters for his dog. The only way your boyfriend will appreciate this is if he aspires to be an eighty-year-old woman.

uAny kind of ceramic figurine. What’s he supposed to do with it? Collect and trade them amongst his friends?

uA stuffed animal that’s dressed exactly like you. I don’t understand why anyone would buy this for someone they love. Why don’t you just wallpaper your boyfriend’s room with giant pictures of your face?

For her:

uAn exercise video or a bathroom scale. Even if your girlfriend has put on weight, I don’t think Valentine’s Day is the best time to remind her of it.

uLow-fat chocolate. Same reason.

uAnything targeted toward elementary-school children. I once jokingly said I wanted a “Barbie: Fairytopia” DVD during a trip to the mall. I got it two weeks later for my birthday. Last time I checked, I’m not five.

uJewelry followed by the phrase “If you don’t like it, my mom said she wanted it.” Unfortunately, this is yet another true story from my life.

uAny kind of weird food. For example, cooking a romantic dinner complete with salad made with lettuce and mushrooms from your pet iguana’s food dish. This happened to a friend of mine, and is the opposite of a fun evening.

For anyone:

uA his-and-hers gravestone. Yes, such an item actually exists. This doesn’t say, “I love you.” It says, “One day I may kill you in your sleep.”

Hopefully my suggestions were helpful and all of you were able to steer clear of getting your sweetie anything as stupid as the gifts I listed above. If you’d like to thank me, I’ll be spending Valentine’s Day in my room, watching “Barbie: Fairytopia” and eating some low-fat chocolate.