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Why everyone always needs guns

Letter to the Editor | Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The other day, a student attempted to enter the home of a 28 year old man. After showing deliberate malice by knocking threateningly at the door, the man reacted the only way he could. He didn’t try to see who the person was, which is good, because if you can see them, then they can see you, and, by extension, KILL YOU. Instead, he enveloped himself in complete and utter terror – like he should – and fired his gun wildly through the door. I do have to denounce his aim, however. He only hit the victim, a 23 year old ND student, in the arm, while everyone knows that that won’t stop your common hooligan, all hopped up on “mary-jane” and the “hook-up culture.” Instead, it only makes them angrier, which is why you have to aim for the head. Like zombies. George Washington didn’t make up the second amendment just because God told him to. He also knew that you can TRUST NO ONE, and must be prepared at all times to unleash a panicked volley of bullets. This is why, whenever anyone tries to pass me on the highway, I brandish my uzi, because I never know when someone is going to swerve in front of me, block the road, bludgeon me with a shovel, and sell my unconscious body to Eckerd’s Pharmacy for medical testing. This happens EVERY DAY. So, anonymous 28 year old gunman, I salute you. Keep fighting the good fight, against anyone and everyone, everywhere.

James Spitalere

senior

off campus

Feb. 25