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Magna Cafeteria

Michael Bryan | Thursday, March 26, 2009

There are many unwritten rules in life – no one should have to tell you, you just know. Correction – most people know, I guess, because from time to time these rules do get broken.

So let’s get the unwritten rules of one relevant location down in writing, where they can be broken so often – the dining hall.

1. Do not ever, ever stop or step backwards in the dining hall. This rule mostly applies during peak hours, but really all the time. Common sense says that when everyone is carrying a tray in front of them, and you move backwards, you’re probably going to hit someone’s tray. Then if the person behind you doesn’t have catlike reflexes, food and silverware will go flying, and it creates a situation more awkward than watching American Pie with your grandparents.

2. Do not talk on your cell phone and try and get food at the same time. Judging from every time I’ve seen this attempted, it is not possible. You need a hand for your tray and a hand to get any food, so I’m having a hard time where this secret phone hand is supposed to come from. Anyways, no one in line behind you should be subjected to your conversation about that guy that spilled your beer at Fever, its not a big deal.

3. Don’t invade people’s space. If you have a lot of people eating with you, way to go, you’re more popular than weed at a Pink Floyd laser show. Just don’t sit down at a table with people already there, and make them feel bad or move because you suddenly can’t fit all your buddies.

4. Do not ever take more than two cups. Three is just too many.

5. Do not try and be Rachael Ray. You do not have to travel the entire circumference of the dining hall in order to find something to eat. What’s in the homestyle section? Shocker buddy, it’s the same thing that’s there everyday, bad burgers and hot dogs and a lot of grilled cheese and some fries. It’s like when parents are at the dining hall after football games, except worse because you should know what’s where. Stevie Wonder could get his food faster than you.

6. Say hi to the people that work at the dining hall. Most everyone does this, but really, they’re ridiculously nice people and the opportunity to talk and be around you is the reason they’re here and not being a greeter at Wal-Mart (or maybe the economy, but roll with it). Seriously, they love students more than they love the Weather Channel. And damn, do old people love to talk about the weather.