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UN Article 6.9: Statute on Roommate Relations – Sexiling Subsection

Letter to the Editor | Sunday, August 30, 2009

I. In the event of a nightly rendezvous involving two or more parties, there are two ways in which the union is to be handled diplomatically.

a. If the parties involved in the union (hereafter referred to as “the sexilers”) have knowledge or suspicion of said union at least one and a half (1.5) hours prior to the initiation of the union, they are required to provide the roommate (hereafter referred to as “the sexiled”) with a period of no less than two minutes in which s/he may gather personal affects from the room to be used which s/he may wish to have for the remainder of the evening. Such affects may include, but are not limited to, laptop computers, computer chargers, cellular devices (including chargers), pillows, blankets, changes of clothing, etc.

b. If the union of the sexilers is more spontaneous in nature, then the sexilers are bound to – at minimum – put such aforementioned personal affects immediately outside the door of the room to be used and subsequently to provide the sexiled roommate with enough notice to secure said affects prior to their mysterious disappearance.

c. Regarding the frequency of said unions:

i. Two unions (with the same partner) in one weekend is, in general, excessive and unnecessary.

ii. One union per week is to be the limit, with “special occasions” providing the opportunity for exception.

iii. The sexiled has the right to oppose said unions if s/he has a test to prepare for or if said unions fall under other circumstances which may be detrimental to the academic standing of the sexiled.

d. Furthermore, if any acts which might lead to the soiling of property common to both the sexiler and the sexiled (i.e. a futon cover) occur, the sexiler is required to clean said property.

e. Failure to comply with the above statute may result in:

i. Temporary impeachment from the room.

ii. Subsequent vulnerability to pranking from all affected parties.

iii. Inordinate amounts of awkwardness.

Jeremy Lamb


Knott Hall

Aug. 29