Mythical Match-Ups: Round three
Eric Prister, Matt Brown, Colin Rich, and Szymon Ryzner | Thursday, October 15, 2009
Mythology Bracket Round 3
Cerberus def. Kraken
In a match that went to the dogs, the massive three-headed canine Cerberus bested the top-seeded Kraken in a fight that proved as much to do with endurance as sheer strength.
Kraken, the tentacle-bearing, razor-toothed sea creature of Scandinavian descent, found his match in the tenacious jaws and paws of the Greek underworld’s guard dog. The mangy Cerberus latched on to two of the mighty Kraken’s tentacles after drawing it into shallower waters, which provided enough leverage to drag the sea beast out of its watery lair and onto the sun-dried beach.
From there Cerberus had only to prevent it from crawling back into the sea as it quickly ran out of stamina in such an unfriendly terrain. Suffering only one large bite on his left haunch, a confident Cerberus described the match.
“Not that ruff,” Cerberus said.
The Manticore def. Scylla
The aerial advantage of the Manticore proved too much for the higher ranked Scylla, who lost despite holding the terrain advantage.
The match was held on rocky ground near the shore, however Scylla could not get a solid footing in the battle. She was hounded all day by the poisonous spines of the Manticore, who took special delight in dive-bombing and firing at her with exceptional accuracy. It soon became apparent that Scylla’s edge came in ground-to-ground and ground-to-water combat, and that flight and speed proved immeasurably valuable for those up against such a creature. This also sets up a Cerberus-Manticore quarterfinal, a clash destined to be legendary. The Manticore declined to comment after the match.
Sphinx def. Medusa
It was mind over matter in the 3-6 match-up as the mighty Sphinx outlasted Medusa in a battle of Mediterranean mythology.
The Sphinx lured Medusa into the valley by promising to show her Colin Sullivan, but instead hid herself in the high tide of the creek. Employing a clever blend of common sense and rudimentary physics, the Sphinx waited until Medusa looked into the water and her own reflection before springing forth and swiping off her petrified head.
“I postulated that I could glimpse into her optical opals after I calculated the water’s index of refraction,” the Sphinx said afterwards. She also had more to say, but we stopped listening.
Hydra def. Chimera
Move over, Bellerophon! As the second round witnessed the takedown of the seventh seed Chimera in a rather brief battle, the second-seeded Hydra proved equally adept at slaying lion-goat-snakes, and made a formidable statement in the process.
Its towering size and rocky dwellings allowed the Hydra to snatch the body of the Chimera and cast it off the volcanic cliffs several hundred yards to its igneous demise. The feeling of domination was palpable, and with the Kraken now out of the picture, it’s apparent that the reins of power in the Mythology bracket have been handed to the Hydra. The impending Hydra-Sphinx match-up will be the apotheosis of physical versus mental strength in this tournament. It was an unflinchingly authoritative showing from him, as he didn’t lose his head once.
Folklore Bracket Round 3
Paul Bunyan def. the Boogeyman
Paul Bunyan – who has yet to notice that he has been in any such tournament – quickly dismantled the Boogeyman’s offense on his way to the victory.
The Boogeyman, confident from his previous victory, was stunned to find that Paul Bunyan was simply not afraid of the Boogeyman’s shenanigans. The Boogeyman’s endless attempts at scaring the great Paul Bunyan fell on ignorant ears.
“I’m not afraid of anything,” Bunyan said.
This lack of fear cosmically nullified the Boogeyman’s existence, creating a quick, stunning, and relatively uninteresting win for the big boy from the Midwest.
Gremlin draws with Werewolf
The Gremlin capitalized on yet another chance at an upset, defeating the Werewolf when the outcome looked bleak.
The Werewolf scheduled a night game, knowing the Gremlin’s hatred of light, and due to the Gremlin’s frequent transformations, prepared a game plan that avoided moisture. The Gremlin became mighty hungry as the clock struck midnight, however, and while the Werewolf was howling its threats to the hidden Gremlin, the Gremlin got down and chewed up some greenery. As the Gremlin accidentally broke another one of its rules, the Werewolf chomped down and devoured it.
The Werewolf assumed victory, but the Gremlin, due to its consumption of anything after midnight, had already begun to mutate and upon contact with a nearby river, multiply. Within a matter of minutes Gremlins were everywhere, nasty clawed scaly beasts that de-clawed and de-furred the Werewolf until it was just a pair of fangs and a patch of fur.
After devouring the Gremlin, the Werewolf was declared the victor, but due to his consumption moments later, will no longer be able to compete in the third round, giving a bye to the top-seeded Paul Bunyan.
Yeti v. Leprechaun
The Leprechaun, after accidentally ending up in the second round, found its stride in a legendary upset of the ferocious Yeti.
The poor Leprechaun, while freezing in the snowy terrain created by the Yeti, had no idea of the Abominable Snowman’s approach. After being clubbed in the head, the unconscious Leprechaun was dragged to the Yeti’s cave and hung upside down from the ice above.
Upon awakening with a terrible migraine, the Leprechaun summoned its jeweled shillelagh, broke itself from the ice, turned around and bludgeoned the surprised Yeti into oblivion. Another week, another upset for the endlessly entertaining Leprechaun.
“Now I have another upset to deal with,” the Leprechaun said. “Go Irish, Beat Trojans!”
Sasquatch v. Genie
Despite the Genie’s profound mystical powers, the match boiled down to his sheer impossibility of finding the Sasquatch in the woods.
Despite the Genie’s greatest efforts to find the Sasquatch, it proved impossible. At first the Genie followed the tracks that led to nothing. The droppings he found were sampled and investigated, but it once again brought no conclusions as to the Sasquatch’s location.
Literary Bracket Round 3
The Balrog def. the Giant
The lack of intelligence of the Giant served as his downfall in his second round matchup with the top-seeded Balrog.
Both outrageously large creatures faced each other to start the match, each hoping to use his brute strength to his advantage. The Balrog received a pleasant surprise, however, as the Giant was extremely distracted by the flames that surrounded the Balrog’s body.
With a few flourishes of his fiery whip, the Balrog was able to completely befuddle the Giant before lassoing the brute and throwing him off a cliff into the water below.
“I was expecting a much more difficult battle,” the Balrog said. “I didn’t realize that anything could be quite that dumb. Except maybe a Trojan.”
Merlin def. the Ent
Despite the size advantage, Merlin’s magical powers were enough to burn the Ent to the ground in one of the more highly contested battles of the second round.
The Ent acted quickly once again, attempting to grab hold of Merlin and manhandle him. Merlin reacted faster and, anticipating this move, created an impenetrable force field that blocked the Ent’s path. More speedy spell work from Merlin brought forth a flame that engulfed the Ent and brought the giant tree-herder to the ground. Adding insult to injury, the now-overly confident Merlin spat on the ashes.
“I don’t see who could possibly match my power,” Merlin said. “Now that the Genie has been defeated, I see no reason why I won’t walk to the championship.”
Grendel def. Centaur
Grendel once again proved his worth, using speed and ferocity to tear apart the less-savage Centaur, who did not act quickly enough to take down his foe.
The Centaur struck first, connecting with a well-placed arrow to the chest of Grendel. Grendel howled in pain, and looked like he was finished.
The Centaur sprinted over towards Grendel, but wasted time taunting as he nocked another arrow. Grendel, in a moment of rage and adrenaline, was able to leap and grab hold of the Centaur and forcefully remove the bow from his hands.
“I couldn’t believe my luck and I realized that it was my only opportunity left to strike,” Grendel said, nursing his wound after the match.
In three quick bits, Grendel was then able to remove the limbs and head of the Centaur, sealing the victory.
The Dragon def. the Elf
In a combination of brute strength and intelligence, the Dragon was able to draw the Elf out of hiding before utilizing an aerial attack to defeat the outmatched Elf.
Using the same strategy that he used against the Basilisk, the Elf hid in the forest, trying to lure the Dragon into a crowded area that would not allow it to spread its wings. The Dragon was not fooled, however, and breathed fire on the trees, setting them ablaze.
Realizing that his cover was slowing being destroyed, the Elf tried to circle around the Dragon, and loosed an arrow that struck the Dragon on its hard-scaled back. The Dragon immediately took off high into the air, before diving back to the ground with so much speed and ferocity that the Elf had little time to react. The Dragon knocked the Elf to the ground and once again used his fire-breath to char the Elf to a crisp.
Miscellaneous Bracket Round 3
The Gargoyle def. King Kong
Despite a distinct imbalance of size, the Gargoyle rocked King Kong with an aerial attack on his path to victory.
Faring better than the biplanes of yore, the Gargoyle was able to use its wings to ultimately overcome the outsized ape.
“Watching the battle I was reminded of a mockingbird dive-bombing an irritable bear,” announcer Harry Carey said from his heavenly perch.
King Kong remained in the center of the grassy knoll, trying to draw a bead on the stoic stone soldier.
“I felt like JFK out there,” King Kong said after the battle.
The Gargoyle eventually wore down the massive monkey’s defenses, swooped in under a furry forearm, dodged a mighty swing and pulled a David to the gorilla’s Goliath.
Godzilla def. the Mummy
Godzilla kept the Mummy under wraps on his way to a commanding victory.
For the second week running, Godzilla won with a sneeze, sparking controversy as to if he is a fearsome first seed or over-ranked amateur with sensitive sinuses. Accidently stepping on the end of the mummy’s wrappings, Godzilla caused him to wander in ever widening circles as he slowly unwrapped himself. The rising dust from the bandages tickled Godzilla’s nose and the G-man let loose an almighty sneeze laden with laser beams. The lasers ignited the Mummy’s loose wrapping, turning him into a flaming beacon bright enough to call to Rohan for aid, ending the match.
Predator def. Alien
For once Hollywood got it right as Predator dismantled Alien in the highly anticipated second round matchup.
In the fiercest battle of round two, Predator eventually came out on top. Predator stalked through the forest, carefully winding his way through the trees. Flickering movement caught his eye as Alien burst from cover, knocking him through the air and breaking off the pulse cannon in the process. Predator came up swinging with his wrist blades fully extended, taking off the right claw of the Alien.
Flailing about sending acid blood in all directions, Alien forced Predator dive under cover. Coming up with pulse cannon in hand, Predator fired, destroying the oak to Alien’s left but missing the creature. As Alien turned and charged, Predator calmly reached back and removed his bladed Frisbee and let fly. Alien’s body fell with a crash and the head bounced to Predator’s feet. Raising one leg, Predator set his foot upon the skull, caught the disc on its return and struck a pose to rival Captain Morgan.
“I’ve killed him once, and I’ll kill him again,” Predator said after the slightly redundant battle.
The Hellhound def. the Wookie
Hellfire triumphed one of the most anticipated second round matchups, claiming the Wookie’s soul for all eternity.
Utilizing his underworldly connections, the Hellhound summoned hellfire and brimstone, which swallowed the Wookie into the gaping maw of hell itself.
The Wookie disappeared, leaving behind the acrid smell of sulfur and burned hair wafting over the field. The Hellhound roared in triumph before disappearing back to the bowels of the inferno.