Szymon Ryzner | Friday, November 6, 2009
Everyone said it couldn’t be done but seventh seed Sasquatch has made it to the finals of the folklore bracket. Not only has the Sasquatch vanquished such foes as the grotesque Genie, the lovable Leprechaun and the magical Mermaid, but he has also done it in style.
His opponent, the number one seed Paul Bunyan, seemed unstoppable and un-phased by the parade of monstrosities Sasquatch had stomped all over. To arrive at this mythical position, Mr. Bunyan made mush out of Jack Frost, ignored the Boogey man, scoffed at the Gremlin and found himself with an opportunity to become the premier mythical creature of this year’s matchups.
Prior to the match Paul Bunyan remained confused as to “why so many creatures had such distaste for him, which so frequently resulted in violence.” He appeared to still not quite understand the concept of these mythical matchups.
The Sasquatch on the other hand seemed quite prepared and mentioned to our crew how he hoped his “mystique, capability to vanish and blurry appearance would prove successful in the end.” After all, Paul Bunyan was only “human.” He went on to clarify this statement saying, “only human and incredibly enormous and carrying an axe of ridiculous magnitude.”
The match-up began as one would expect with the clever Sasquatch leaving deceitful footprints all over the forest floor and waiting in anticipation for Bunyan to be fooled. Bunyan instead chose to wash his face in the lake and trim his beard with an axe, a risky endeavor by the lumberjack.
The confused Sasquatch almost chose this moment to emerge from the safety of the woods but thought that this was just a trick the deceivingly ignorant Bunyan had employed. Bunyan remained unaware of any such competition and moved on to wash his flannel shirt as well as his lumberjack shoes.
The unnerved Sasquatch once again snuck a peek at the enormous enigma that was Paul Bunyan but no reaction or confirmation of the situation took place. Sasquatch had planned an entire defensive game plan but could not find a way to coax Bunyan into battle.
The Sasquatch went so far as to make grunting noises and kick the giant but his ears were too high and his jeans too thick. In what was proving to be a mythical mismatch, the Sasquatch could not even get enough of Paul Bunyan’s attention to get crushed.
In a last ditch effort to get recognized, the Sasquatch lifted Bunyan’s axe with all of his strength and flailed the dangerous device at the lumberjack. The scream that emerged when the axe was lodged in the giant’s arm was one the Sasquatch would never forget, or really ever have a chance to remember as he was quickly stomped out like a burgeoning wildfire by Bunyan’s enormous bare heel.
“I never enjoy the crunching sound,” insisted Bunyan defending his innocence in what he called a terrible mistake.
He apologized for the accident and as for his own recovery, insisted that “I am a lumberjack and I’m still OK, and I plan on returning to sleeping all night and working all day.”
Hopefully he will also get excited and finally figure out the match-up system when he goes against the winner of the Mythical bracket as the number one seed and representative of the Folklore bracket.