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Mythology Bracket

Nicholas Anderson | Friday, November 6, 2009

All good stories come to an end. Unfortunately, Cerberus’s maniac run to the Elite Eight was cut short by the hydra, who ended this heartwarming Cinderella story with strength, tenacity and just a small bit of immortality.

The tournament so far has been a furry of action ranging from violent massacres to mysterious, shadowy battles hardly known to the eyes of man. The mythology bracket has seen some of the fiercest fights but at the final meeting of these beasts of antiquity, only two remained standing: the Hydra and Cerberus.

Cerberus proved himself a severely underrated competitor. While it seems near impossible to underestimate the guardian of the gates of the underworld, Cerberus’ appetite for live meat and a mane of serpents only garnered him a ninth seed.

After a first round battle with the Minotaur, Cerberus faced one of the toughest creatures ever to be spoken of: the kraken. It seemed there was little hope for the beast of the underworld, but with some crafty movement and brute force, he dragged his opponent out of the water and the battle ended swiftly from there.

With momentum behind him, he rolled over the manticore and landed in combat with the hydra.

Jesus once said, “When someone has been given much, much will be required in return” (Luke 12:48). Few have been given more than the hydra, who was not only given nine heads — one of which is immortal — but also the ability to regenerate two in the place of each one lost. This two seed, understandably, stomped his way through his opponents and proved to be a top tier monster.  Down in Vegas, odds heavily favored the hydra.

High noon in the arena marked commencement of the fight. As the respected warriors approached one another, it was clear that both would be in for a tough fight. In this battle of oh-so-many-heads, the size, speed and intelligence of each contender were near equal. Teeth and claws sliced the bodies of both competitors. The grassy knoll upon which they fought was quickly caked in blood.

Because Cerberus’ main offensive weapon was a lock-jawed bite, he was never able to fully decapitate the hydra. Working his advantage over the wounded fiend, three of the heads were rendered comatose. Cerberus, the more mobile of the two, came at the miscreant from every direction. As the red, blood-slickened terrain slowed his agility, the hydra slow took control of the fight.

Once the great dog was in the hydra’s deadly maw, five of the hydra’s heads rent flesh from bone, leaving a sight only Michael Vick would enjoy.

Hades, Cerberus’ keeper and trainer, watched in shock as his pet was pureed. A single tear rolled down the cheek of the lord of the underworld, leaving a barren patch of ground where it landed. The long walk back to the land of the dead would be lonely for this former master.

The hydra, finally defeating a worthy opponent, roared in victory. The media feared getting too close, lest being disfigured by spraying acid blood; it was assumed the hellion was looking forward to facing Paul Bunyan in the Final Four.