I’m writing to bring light to a serious issue — perhaps the most important of our time. I realize there has been loads of bad news lately, but this one overshadows it all. It’s one that affects at least half of the students living on this wonderful campus. For too long, the menace has been ignored. The time has come to out the greatest threat that many of us will ever encounter. I’m speaking, of course, about the green beans at South Dining Hall.
Their legume-y evil cannot be contained. With their rubbery texture, awful flavor and haunting aftertaste, they are beans of pure malice. It is clear upon tasting them that the beans were grown somewhere in the Sixth Circle of Hell, and then boiled using the tears of Army widows (though the salt was removed, lest the beans have some element of appetizing flavor). They are then transferred to a chafing dish, where they are kept at a temperature best described as somewhere between “tepid” and “lukewarm.” No less than Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi described them as “the cause of 47 of the last 65 wars [worldwide]” in his recent speech to the United Nations General Assembly. Can we really allow such a threat to exist, nay — to flourish, on this campus?
We need to be proactive — we need to go to the source. The green beans need to be removed completely from this campus, if not the world. And if you still have objections, let me confront you with some cold hard facts:
Green beans voted against your candidate in the 2008 presidential election.
Green beans killed Michael Jackson.
Green beans saw “The Hangover” and didn’t laugh once.
Green beans think O.J. Simpson has never committed a crime.
Does this sound like the kind of plant we want in our dining hall? After all, this is a Catholic institution. If those facts aren’t enough for you, this should be the final nail in the coffin: In a recent survey, historians nationwide ranked green beans at No. 27 on the list of Worst Things Ever, above Pol Pot (29), but narrowly below the bubonic plague (26) and Josef Stalin (25). I can only speculate as to the long term effects of eating those wretched beans, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they caused lung cancer. Certainly they won’t stop you from getting cancer.
Let’s not waste another second, lest another naïve freshman dump a portion of that horrid legume on their plate. We cannot stand idly by and allow stomachs to be taken advantage of. The proliferation of those beans across the fruited plain is one of the great tragedies of our era. Students of Notre Dame, I implore you to take a stand against the green beans. Only by uniting can we succeed against the tyranny of their foul taste. We the people are more powerful than any plant can, or ever will, be. It is time for change to come to this campus. Make yourselves heard.