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Scene Says

Scene | Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Dear Scene,
I’ve worked myself into quite a situation. I’ve fancied this lovely girl for a while, but she’s placed me squarely in the middle of the friend zone with no easily accessible exits. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy being her friend, but I’m in it for a little more than that, ya dig? So I moved on to her roommate in an attempt to execute the roommate switch (even though nobody in the history of Western civilization has been able to execute the roommate switch) but she doesn’t seem to feel the way that I do either. Now I’m in a tough situation with both of them. What do I do? Can I salvage this?

Friend Zone Resident

Dear Resident,
I assume you have one of three motives for trying to execute the tricky roommate switch.
One, you are just plain tired of pining after Lovely Girl and want someone new yet convenient. Moving on to the closest breathing female is both lazy and ineffective. You’re never going to forget about Lovely Girl if you can’t be bothered to leave her house to meet someone new.

Two, you think Lovely Girl is too oblivious or cruel to move you into the relationship zone, so you’re planning on your affair with the roommate to awaken her jealousy and secret “twu luv.” Nope! If Lovely Girl really does like you as more than a friend, scamming on her roommate will just get her mad at the both of you.

Three, going after Roommate is just part of your fantasy to act out that new Britney Spears song. In which case you are admirably ambitious.

But whatever of these three ulterior motives you have, you are still screwed because neither of these girls is willing to relocate you to your preferred relationship zip code. You’ve been rejected outright, but you might be able to save the friendship — if you want. A super-platonic night out with one or both could help erase the awkwardness and replace it with some funny stories.

But, as O-Town said, if you want it all or nothing at all, then I’d suggest avoiding Lovely Girl’s house for a while. Run into Lovely Girl for lunch sometime, but by all means retain your dignity and don’t be clingy. That’s just gross.