Buchi C. Offodile | Friday, October 1, 2010
Yes, it’s me. I’m back. And this time I have an axe to grind with all the barbarians that somehow slipped out of ancient times and into Notre Dame. First of all, welcome to the 21st century. Here you will find many useful amenities such as sporks, razors to groom your hair (don’t do it in the showers!), sprinklers that water the sidewalks, bikes that hang out in trees, and backup quarterbacks. But, the most useful invention you will find here that you probably didn’t have back in your time is … wait for it … wait for it — the sink! Yes, you heard me Cro-Magnons and Neanderthals, it’s the sink. Imagine, a place where you can wash your hands after you use the restroom! What a novel idea, right? That’s exactly what the sink is! You probably don’t know what a restroom is either but don’t worry about that, we’ll cover that next week. In fact, I know that yall don’t do well with words so I’m gonna draw a picture for you. Hang it up inside your cave…right next to the pinup from the Fall of 30,000 B.C. That was a good year for pinups.
Wash your hands people! Do you know how disgusting it is to see a guy walk straight out of the bathroom after “Releasing the Kraken!” and look at me as if I’m doing something wrong? “I’m scrubbing until I bleed, fool! What are you doing?” Seriously, I’m about to start a list. It’s going to be called, “List of People Who’s Hands You Should Never EVER Touch if You Know What’s Good For You.” Think I’m joking? Test me. This list will be posted everywhere from Facebook to Twitter, from Main Building to Carroll. Heck even Bethel, SMC, and HCC will have a copy of this list. Thinking about going to the Career Fair? Guess what? They will have a copy of the List too! This list will be in the yearbook so that 50 years from now you can show your grandkids how much of a rebel you were by not washing your hands. “But Grandad, how did you clean your hands?” “We wiped them on our shorts like real men.” You do not want your name on this list, amigo. Because once it goes on, it’s never coming off. Capiche? It’ll be there “For…eh….VER!” So step into 21st century. Make yourself at home. Wash your hands.
Sincerely hoping I never have to write another one of these.
Buchi C. Offodile