The worthy cause
Daniel Brennan | Monday, November 22, 2010
I am very impressed with your letter decrying the evils of my dear friend Harry (“Evil lurking in Harry Potter,” Nov. 18). It takes some serious testicular fortitude to stand up to a series of novels depicting a virtuous hero, a lovable ginger and a curly haired, intelligent and sexy coed in a fight against evil. I am especially impressed with your decision to choose this issue as your existential threat to Catholic morality in a world where we, as a nation, are fighting two wars that are all but forgotten by the average citizen, discriminating against gays and Muslims, idolizing Glenn Beck and holding the dollar as the highest standard of success and godliness. Likewise, you have made a swell choice of ‘brave, enlightened leaders’ to show the validity of your cause.
The Pope, for example, has made the enlightened decision to explain to the world that condoms should not be handed out to battle aids in Africa and has made it quite clear that if you have sex with young children, the church will stand by you in your moral righteousness, and President Bush, bless his soul, was brave enough to stand up and join the Air National Guard to protect our homeland in a day when his fellow American was enjoying the sun and sand in South Vietnam. He even grew up to further such renowned Christian morals as starting wars and giving more money to the rich.
With your noble cause chosen and in hand, it is now time to choose your next step. I vote you go out on South Quad and burn every Harry Potter book in sight, as the decision to criticize the moral content of a book, instead of just shutting up and not reading it, usually leads to this practice. You’ll be in good fellowship with Adolf Whatshisname and some preacher from Florida. In fact, why don’t you petition the University to stop teaching things about dinosaurs (fossils are God’s way of testing our faith), any books involving premarital sex (all of them) and anything involving any other religion (they don’t fall in line with my personal beliefs as a Catholic).
Ryan, thank you for your time and insight. I do realize that you might not take this letter seriously as, instead of reading Swift and Moliere on the weekends, I enjoy throwing my hands up in the air and learning how to Dougie. I do, however, feel like I can speak for most of the student body, when I say: Go suck on a wand.