It is a dark time, Notre Dame, for our beloved caffeinated malt beverage, 4 Loko, has all but perished. Recently, Phusion Projects LLC of Chicago, the manufacturer of the sweet nectar, has announced its intention to remove the caffeine from the product, thus reducing it to a pitiful concoction void of all its former splendors.
Live in our memories, dear divine, for that is to where you have been reduced. Shortly, none of us will ever again revel in this ingenious combination of caffeine and alcohol. None of us will ever again experience the pleasures of rambunctious intoxication that was once only within the reach of rich frat boys and their Colombian Bam-Bam.
Dark times, indeed! The simple joy of a beverage that delivered inexpressibly forgettable nights shall die. Nay! Not because consuming the beverage resulted in disappointing excursions, but for the literal blackout it delivered upon exposure — this eulogist admits some of his finest experiences while under the direction of this delectably divine substance.
So young in its life, so rapturous in its cause, those within the 18 to 25-year-old age bracket and those earning under $30,000/year shall surely feel this atrocity most. A weekly tradition it was, feeling like Pablo Escobar, buying the “cocaine in a can” and indulging in its many fruits.
For shame to all those responsible for this heinous crime of deprivation! We return to the hallowed halls of 40s at 4. We return to the art of a simple shower. We return to our earlier world. But I dare say this: at what cost, dear readers, at what cost?
There will likely be a new beverage. There are always the traditional standbys. But it wont be the same.
In our hearts forever, love thee 4 Loko.