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Life in Perspective: Hollywood Train Wrecks

Troy Mathew | Wednesday, March 2, 2011

We can all identify the people on campus who, by comparison, immediately make us feel better about our own lives. Whether these people are exhibiting offensive party behavior, running to a test a half-hour late or pulling consistent all-nighters, their bad decisions make us put our own messiness in perspective. Celebrity train wrecks exemplify this purpose a thousand times over. With paparazzi constantly on their tails, every shameless aspect of their lives is broadcast to the general public. Through erratic interviews, embarrassment televised worldwide and general idiocy, the following celebrities will make any of your questionable behavior seem about as wild as a four year old’s birthday party.

Charlie Sheen

Sheen is the star of “Two and a Half Men,” somehow the highest-rated comedy on cable. For some reason, CBS offered Sheen a contract extension on the show, worth $2 million per episode. He receives an obscene amount of money in order to star in what is among the un-funniest shows on television. Thus, one would think he would have undying gratitude for CBS and the show’s creator, right? On the contrary, Sheen plans on filing a lawsuit against the CBS and Chuck Lorre, the show’s creator. The show is on hiatus indefinitely until Sheen cleans up his act. In addition, Sheen wants to sign on for the show’s ninth and 10th seasons, but only if he receives $3 million per episode plus a $20 million signing bonus.

All this legal drama aside, Sheen is nearly always high out of his mind on cocaine. His ex-wife Brooke Mueller recently filed for a restraining order, and his drug-fueled partying has created media frenzy. In a series of bizarre recent interviews with “Good Morning America” and “The Today Show,” Sheen offered some golden quotes. When asked if he was bipolar, Sheen replied he isn’t but instead is “bi-winning.” In the same interview, a sweaty and pallid Sheen suggested he was perhaps not from “this terrestrial realm.” After watching the interviews, it starts to seem like a more valid suggestion. When asked if he plans to enter rehab, Sheen claimed he closed his eyes and cured himself “with the power of his mind.” Sheen then remarked that Alcoholics Anonymous is created by “a broken-down fool who is a plagiarist.”

Christina Aguilera

Next time you suffer embarrassment, just be grateful it didn’t occur on the most-watched television program of all time. Aguilera, who sang the national anthem at Super Bowl XLV, unfortunately did just that. Instead of singing, “were so gallantly streaming,” Aguilera improvised, belting out “the twilight’s last reaming.” As if that weren’t enough, one week later, Aguilera tripped while onstage during her performance in an Aretha Franklin tribute. Not many people thought Aguilera could outdo the embarrassment of her enormous flop “Bionic,” so kudos to her for at least accomplishing that.

Along with her public shame, Aguilera’s rap sheet is also growing. Aguilera was arrested early Tuesday morning for public intoxication. She was passenger in the car with boyfriend Matthew Rutler, who was arrested for DUI. The police said Aguilera “was not able to take care of herself” and was released from the police station at 7:30 a.m. According to TMZ, officials do not plans to prosecute Aguilera. Inside sources said they will be shocked if Aguilera is not soon committed to rehab.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

Contact Troy Mathew at tmathew2@nd.edu