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Yo. You. Right There. Don’t Even Think About Skipping My Final Column!

Kevin Kimberly | Monday, April 18, 2011

So here it is — the final time you will ever have to read my rants and raves about the University of Notre Dame and its oh-so-interesting students (once you get your tears under control, please proceed with caution). Then again, I could be that alumnus in the Viewpoint section. On more than one occasion. As for those who still have to hear my rants until I actually do depart from here, I do not apologize.

As I have mentioned in previous columns, I first applied to be a political columnist. My clever title was going to be “Obama Oversight” and I was going to attempt being humorous while covering all of the major political issues of the year. Then I took a walk around campus. And then I realized I did not need to go to D.C. to find a relevant topic to be humorous about. At that moment I switched to the even more clever column name, “Bursting the Bubble.”

So it began. Topic to topic and group of people to group of people, I did my best to cover the Notre Dame culture, the Notre Dame Bubble if you will. And here is where I get to brag and make crazy causal assumptions to convince you that my columns were a success. Your takeaway points:

Column #1: Dear Freshman — Freshmen look ridiculous wearing lanyards and walking around with huge maps on campus, are dumb for doing the first-down chop and talking about their high school days and really should steer clear of dating someone they just met a day ago.

Column #2: Navigating the Dining Hall — Get your food and get out of my way. Have a plan upon arriving at the dining hall, save the socializing for the eating area and by all means, never same side it.

Column #3: To Cheer or Not to Cheer — When you go to football games, go to actually watch the game. Have reasonable expectations about the team and be mad when those expectations are not fulfilled.

Column #4: The Saints Among Us — There are plenty of everyday saints who never get the recognition they deserve, and there are plenty of them on this very campus. Look around!

Column #5: There Are Things to Cheer For — Football is not the only sport around here and certainly is not the most successful. Other sports and athletes deserve as much respect and attention.

Column #6: Braving the Winter Wonderland — You heard it here back in November first, not from the recent copycat Viewpoint War. Leggings are unacceptable not because they say anything about the person wearing them but simply because they are ridiculous and are not pants. Add Ugg boots and North Face jackets to the ridiculous, overrated list as well.

Column #7: My Pick for My Commencement Speaker — Seniors should get some sort of say in who speaks at their commencement. If any Notre Dame class ever gets Ellen DeGeneres (that will be the day), I expect a ticket and a flight to see it.

Column #8: Your College = Your Personality — The name says it all. Your major and your college at good ol’ Notre Dame allow me to know more about you than you think!

Column #9: The Notre Dame Need to Belong — The only way for Notre Dame to become the diverse place it actually is at its core is for people to actually be who they are at their core. The obsessive need to fit in is what deprives us of true diversity and true identity.

Column #10: The Topic of All Topics — Gender relations at Notre Dame will forever live on as one of the most interesting things I have ever experienced in my life, prompting my call to replace Contemporary Topics with a semester-long course on Gender Relations and Social Awkwardness. But really, all I can say is may the Lord be with you in this endeavor here.

Column #11: Just Live Your Life — Death should give even more meaning to life. Sometimes it is the tough moments that allow us to realize we need to take advantage of the gift we have been given; sometimes, we need to just live our lives.

Many columnists in their final column of the year will talk about their purpose in writing and why they write. Many say they just want to touch one person, and if that is the case, they consider their job a success. I say screw that. I had one purpose — to offend more than one person. Sure, I wrote on a truly serious issue here and there, but overall, if you were not offended, I did not do my job or you did not read my eleven columns. And in the process of offending you, I hope you laughed in realizing what I wrote just might be true. Heck, I hope my goal of offending you offends you.

When I land in my new place of purpose in Memphis, Tenn., next year, I will miss this opportunity to compose a 600-800 word column about such a topic. Even more so, for some weird reason, I have a feeling that at times I will even miss those things that I sought to eradicate. Perhaps I will throw on a lanyard for old time’s sake or maybe I will act obsessively awkward to that cute coworker of mine. Who knows? What I do know is all that included, I will miss the University of Notre Dame.

10-4.

Kevin Kimberly graduates in 34 days. He sincerely appreciates you reading his column this year and is always open to thoughts about his articles and continued ideas and slogans for his potential 2024 presidential run at kkimberl@nd.edu

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.