Ann Arbor ? Sept. 11 ? Mark Rolfes ‘84 reporting:
The futures market for Notre Dame Football tickets has fallen sharply due to concerns over the Greek debt situation, including fears that South Bend will be defaulting to Spartans and Trojans in the near future. Thus, supply is anticipated to be much higher than ever thought possible only two weeks ago. Those hedging in September and October tickets have been battered, and the derivatives market is all but non-existent at this point. A bailout from Lou Holtz was just not a possibility due to his current investments in South Florida at this time.
While USC, Oregon, Miami and others have implemented Quantitative Easing programs for their players, University President Fr. John Jenkins will not be introducing any new stimulus plan at this point, urging all to hold the course (a position that has been attacked relentlessly by Michele Bachmann).
Prime Minister Angela Merkel has considered propping up the Notre Dame regime, but reportedly she is demanding that the school's nickname be changed to the Fighting Germans in return. Notre Dame priests are considering the move, but there is rumored to be dissent from the Board of Trustees, who are not sure the entitlement-class alumni will accept the Leprechaun being replaced by a lederhosen-clad mascot. Students are supportive, based on the promise of a St. Pauli's Girl passing out free beer in all of the male dorms. There is also rumor of a potential hostile takeover bid by Butler University looking to diversify into football after two years of meteoric success in its basketball endeavors.
Meanwhile, another senior class is guaranteed to graduate without another national championship, causing the newest generation of Domers to fear that they will permanently have a decreased standard of football living than their parents and grandparents. Older Domers, who have lived through the Great Faust Depression and the Great Davie Recession say that these things are cyclical, and that every Brennan or Faust is followed by a Parseghian or Holtz, and that perhaps a Kelly will have what it takes to get things turned around.
As grim as the current market conditions are, the incoming crop forecast of freshman and 2012 recruits are encouraging for a future turnaround. As always, in good times or bad, what though the odds be great or small — go Irish!
Mark Rolfes
alumnus
Class of 1984
Sept. 12
