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Celebrity Valentines for ND Students

Sam Stryker | Monday, February 13, 2012

Once again, that bastion of American commercialized holidays, Valentine’s Day, has arrived. For many students, today will be spent alone (unless you count chocolate as a satisfactory lover, which you might). That doesn’t mean you can’t fantasize about the perfect Valentine you may never have.

When you think about the perfect Valentine, good looks, a charming personality and a penchant for buying chocolates and roses may come to mind. Unfortunately, the pickings seem to be dangerously slim here at the University.

With that in mind, you are going to jump far outside of the Notre Dame bubble in order to land your dream date. In fact, you’ll have to look far, far outside of the Midwest, into the land of tabloid magazines and paparazzi. This is because your fantasy romantic interest for Feb. 14 has to be a celebrity. Tell Cupid to aim his arrow accordingly and dare to dream about landing a date with one of the following A-listers.

The Hunk

You could go the hipster rout and choose Joseph Gordon Levitt, but there aren’t any hipsters at Notre Dame. If you’re into athletes, Tom Brady might be the one for you, but not all students are jersey-chasers. I’m looking for the man who will win over the hearts of all the ladies (and some gentlemen) of Notre Dame and there really is only one choice — Ryan Gosling.

I had the pleasure of watching Ryan smolder for two hours on perhaps the largest screen on campus Saturday night. “Drive” happened to be the SUB Movie of the Week. Ryan is your total Valentine’s Day package — handsome and talented. He seems like the type of guy who would buy you a Recker’s pizza at the end of a romantic evening.

Not only does he have his own meme devoted to his alleged feminist ways, the guy was even in the Mickey Mouse Club. He truly is a man after a Notre Dame girl’s heart.

However, the thing that sets Ryan apart is his earnest, soulful blue eyes. He barely had any dialogue in “Drive” because his eyes said it all. The whole movie, his wistful stare was pulling the heartstrings of the audience, like he wanted to take a long, romantic walk with you around St. Mary’s Lake. Ladies of Notre Dame, Ryan Gosling is your celebrity Valentine.

The Babe

Picking the perfect lady for the gentlemen of Notre Dame was no easy task. Taylor Swift seems like an obvious choice, but Austin might make things awkward after the last two Keenan Revues. Mila Kunis comes to mind, but have you seen her in “Black Swan?” Mila is more the type of girl to break parietals with than bring to a dorm Mass. So that leaves one choice — Emma Watson.

You know Emma would totally dig a South Dining Hall date on Valentine’s Day — the place is practically the Great Hall from Hogwarts! I’m pretty sure she also would appreciate the fact she has escaped the snooty halls of the Ivy League for Notre Dame. She not only plays a brainiac but she is one in real life. Nothing says sexy like smarts and Emma has the looks to boot.

What makes Emma the perfect Valentine for the boys of Notre Dame, however, is her trademark spunk. We all saw her in the “Harry Potter” movies punch Malfoy and brew some illegal Polyjuice potion. She’s the type of girl who would be down to complete the Hesburgh Challenge with some butterbeers on Valentine’s Day and then go to Chipotle afterwards.

Emma also played a character that dated a bad Quidditch player, so a transition to Notre Dame football would be natural. Gentlemen of Notre Dame, order a dozen roses by Owl Post because Emma Watson is your dream Valentine.

So there you have it, Notre Dame. Before you pop in your DVD of “The Notebook,” curl up on your futon with your pint of Ben & Jerry’s and go Valentine’s Day solo, imagine a world where you are under the Lyons Arch with Ryan or Emma. The fantasy may just help you cope with the sad reality.