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Best Worst Movie: “Beastly”

Courtney Eckerle | Thursday, April 19, 2012

According to the tagline for “Beastly,” the “Beauty and the Beast” rip-off, love is never ugly.

This movie however, well … it’s like one of those dogs that gets crowned ugliest dog in the world: So unbelievably hideous it’s totally adorable, which is what makes “Beastly” a perfect best worst movie.

Vanessa Hudgens plays a soft-spoken smart girl named Lindy, and the only explanation given for her name is that her father is a drug addict. Enter Alex Pettyfer’s character, the rich and hot popular guy Kyle, who is smart, self absorbed and universally hated.

Mary Kate Olsen is no stranger to best worst movies, as shown by any of the Olsen twins’ many atrocities, including several straight-to-video masterpieces.

However, her role in “Beastly” takes the best worst cake, eats it too and then casts a spell on it.

Olsen plays Kendra, a teenage Wicca who sports what can only be described as a blonde Snooki poof that has been nested in by birds for a few months. Wearing leather and odd black eye liner is all one needs to cast life ruining spells apparently, which she does after Kyle offends her.

Kendra casts a spell on Kyle that makes him “as ugly as his soul” – harsh. Especially since he’s actually not that bad looking, just kind of veiny, bald and with a lot of tattoos. So he can’t have been that awful.

The gist of the spell is Kyle has to find someone to love him in one year or he will be hideous forever. He can see that time is passing by a tree tattoo on his arm that changes with the seasons and actual trees outside that change with the seasons.

Naturally, Kyle finds out once he leaves school that stalking people via a Facebook-like page that he was not as well liked as he thought he was.

However, as Lifetime warns us, Facebook-stalking turns to actual stalking. Kyle begins following Lindy at night, wearing a black hoodie.

He sees her going through her various charitable deeds, like being kind to homeless people. You know, typical stuff 17-year-old girls do in New York. All the stuff people would see you do if they followed you for a day.

After Kyle sees one of Lindy’s father’s drug deals go bad and the drug dealers threaten to kill her, he blackmails her father into having Lindy come live with him “so he can protect her.”

A strange twist for a love story to borrow from a stalk and murder story, and it is a complete surprise when Lindy doesn’t end up like that girl in “Taken”.

Once he has her captive in her house, he tries to buy her love with Chanel and Tiffany, which she of course scoffs at because, you know, she’s deep. Give her Goodwill and homeless person garb any day of the week.

Kyle finally manages to win her over by providing a huge carton of her favorite candy, and begins building her a greenhouse. Now their love story makes sense. Anyone who buys me a lifetime supply of Peanut M&Ms and builds me a greenhouse filled with roses can look like Chucky, stalk me all they want and I’ll be smitten.

At the very last possible second, Lindy tells Kyle she loves him, breaks the curse and finds out he’s actually a super hot rich guy. If only the same rules applied when going through pictures from Finny’s on Saturday morning.

“Beastly” can be summed up perfectly by Lindy: “What can I say, I’m substance over style.”