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10 Reasons ‘Red Dawn’ Shouldn’t Have Been Re-Made

Kevin Noonan | Monday, November 19, 2012


10. The 1984 original helped launch Charlie Sheen’s career. Do we want to create another Charlie Sheen? Have we learned nothing?


9. The original had a budget of $4 million and holy bad graphics, Batman, you can tell. The remake has a budget of $75 million and holy this movie is obviously going to suck, Batman, this movie is obviously going to suck.


8. Since the original was released, Ronald Reagan tore down the Berlin Wall with his bare hands, torched Communism after sneaking into the USSR by posing as Sylvester Stallone’s stuntman in “Rock IV,” ended the Cold War with his winning smile and did it all while wearing an American Flag pattern tie, smoking a cigar and grilling bratwurst. The Soviets aren’t coming.


7. The kids in the movie call themselves the Wolverines, which is of course the DUMBEST NICKNAME EVER.


6. Go Irish, suck it Wolverines, go Irish go.


5. This remake is the first major role for Tom Cruise’s son, Connor Cruise. Something something scientology stinks. That’s all I got.


4. Lea Thompson and Jennifer Grey and their respective alter egos as Mrs. McFly and the chick Patrick Swayze lifts up in that one scene in “Dirty Dancing” >>>>>>> Adrianne Palicki and Isabel Lucas.


3. The most redeeming quality of the original was how straight up American it is. In the remake, Chris Hemsworth attempts to replace Swayze (can’t be done). Hemsworth is Australian. Sleeper cell if I ever saw one.


2. The villain was originally supposed to be China but it was changed in post-production to North Korea.  North Korea is led by a guy who can make up literally anything about himself that he wants and the people have to believe it (see: Kim Jong Il’s 11 holes in one in a single round of golf), but couldn’t even make up a girlfriend.


1. Patrick Swayze. Pour one out for a fallen homie.