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Major romance

Matt Miklavic | Tuesday, February 12, 2013

It’s that time of year again, Notre Dame. Valentine’s Day approaches, and love fills the air like Axe and Natty fill a dorm party. From Pasquerilla East to Carroll, students will take a brief break from their typical Thursday night shenanigans to impress a special someone while investigating their prospects for the famed ring-by-spring. While your night is sure to be filled with flowers, chocolate and originality, we also want to temper any unrealistic expectations you might have. What follows is a major-by-major breakdown of what you’ll see Thursday night. Your mileage may vary. We hope to God it does.
Theology: Discusses papal candidates over Lenten dinner before attending 10 p.m. Mass.
Philosophy: Too busy fruitlessly seeking employment to worry about Valentine’s Day.
Chemistry: Spends night sobbing in date’s arms about recent organic chemistry test.
Math: Cracks joke about being “tangent to your curves.” Doesn’t work this year, either.
Computer Science: “Valentine’s Day? Is that an app?”
Civil Engineering: Erects monument dedicated to valentine. Receives restraining order.
English: Fashions poem for date. Less like Shakespeare; more like Rebecca Black.
Chemical Engineering: Takes valentine to Au Bon Pain. “We don’t even have to leave the library!”
Medieval Studies: Attempts to court a “fair maiden,” noting some nostalgia for betrothals.
 Irish Studies: “Did someone say Guinness?”
Gender Studies: Writes op-ed about Valentine’s Day gender stereotypes, then watches latest episode of “Girls.”
Entrepreneurship: Creates flower sale, initiating price war with the Pasquerilla West carnation sale.
Biology: Makes DNA helicase joke. Suffers the same fate as civil engineer.
French: Writes moving poem. Their significant other doesn’t speak French.
Statistics: Takes the other stats major to dinner.
Architecture: Couple sneaks off to Bond Hall for late night rendezvous with 30 of their closest friends.
International Development: Regales date with tale of saving Africa last summer.
Economics: Tries to explain 2008 Financial Crisis. Date implodes faster than Lehman Brothers.
Accounting: Dumped girlfriend last week, citing poor return on investment. Ends up at new “Die Hard” movie with fellow bachelors.
Education: Is taken to Notre Dame Athletic’s Valentine’s Day event.
Anthropology: Gives a 40-minute monologue on history of human romance. Date falls asleep.
Aerospace Engineering: Tries to build magic carpet. Carpet takes a hard right turn to Club Fever.
Pre-Med: Spends night cramming for anatomy exam.
Science-Business: Looked down upon by science friends. Studies too much for business kids. Finds a lot in common with Arts and Letter Pre-professional major over dinner.
Psychology:  Spends evening radically overanalyzing date’s request to “pass the salt.”
Music: Serenades date. Pulls it off.
History: Can’t make it through “Titanic” without pointing out historical inaccuracies. Kills mood faster than the water kills Jack.
PLS: Decries materialism with date at Steak n’ Shake.
Finance: Mocks liberal arts with date during second course overlooking Chicago waterfront.
Art History: Takes date to Snite Museum. Again.
Design: Skips Valentine’s Day, calling it “too mainstream.”
Political Science: Spends the night writing a mediocre column. Forgets to find a valentine.
Matt Miklavic is a sophomore studying political science and business from Cape Elizabeth, Maine.  He can be reached at
mmiklavi@nd.edu
    The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.