Matt Miklavic | Tuesday, February 12, 2013
It’s that time of year again, Notre Dame. Valentine’s Day approaches, and love fills the air like Axe and Natty fill a dorm party. From Pasquerilla East to Carroll, students will take a brief break from their typical Thursday night shenanigans to impress a special someone while investigating their prospects for the famed ring-by-spring. While your night is sure to be filled with flowers, chocolate and originality, we also want to temper any unrealistic expectations you might have. What follows is a major-by-major breakdown of what you’ll see Thursday night. Your mileage may vary. We hope to God it does.
Theology: Discusses papal candidates over Lenten dinner before attending 10 p.m. Mass.
Philosophy: Too busy fruitlessly seeking employment to worry about Valentine’s Day.
Chemistry: Spends night sobbing in date’s arms about recent organic chemistry test.
Math: Cracks joke about being “tangent to your curves.” Doesn’t work this year, either.
Computer Science: “Valentine’s Day? Is that an app?”
Civil Engineering: Erects monument dedicated to valentine. Receives restraining order.
English: Fashions poem for date. Less like Shakespeare; more like Rebecca Black.
Chemical Engineering: Takes valentine to Au Bon Pain. “We don’t even have to leave the library!”
Medieval Studies: Attempts to court a “fair maiden,” noting some nostalgia for betrothals.
Irish Studies: “Did someone say Guinness?”
Gender Studies: Writes op-ed about Valentine’s Day gender stereotypes, then watches latest episode of “Girls.”
Entrepreneurship: Creates flower sale, initiating price war with the Pasquerilla West carnation sale.
Biology: Makes DNA helicase joke. Suffers the same fate as civil engineer.
French: Writes moving poem. Their significant other doesn’t speak French.
Statistics: Takes the other stats major to dinner.
Architecture: Couple sneaks off to Bond Hall for late night rendezvous with 30 of their closest friends.
International Development: Regales date with tale of saving Africa last summer.
Economics: Tries to explain 2008 Financial Crisis. Date implodes faster than Lehman Brothers.
Accounting: Dumped girlfriend last week, citing poor return on investment. Ends up at new “Die Hard” movie with fellow bachelors.
Education: Is taken to Notre Dame Athletic’s Valentine’s Day event.
Anthropology: Gives a 40-minute monologue on history of human romance. Date falls asleep.
Aerospace Engineering: Tries to build magic carpet. Carpet takes a hard right turn to Club Fever.
Pre-Med: Spends night cramming for anatomy exam.
Science-Business: Looked down upon by science friends. Studies too much for business kids. Finds a lot in common with Arts and Letter Pre-professional major over dinner.
Psychology: Spends evening radically overanalyzing date’s request to “pass the salt.”
Music: Serenades date. Pulls it off.
History: Can’t make it through “Titanic” without pointing out historical inaccuracies. Kills mood faster than the water kills Jack.
PLS: Decries materialism with date at Steak n’ Shake.
Finance: Mocks liberal arts with date during second course overlooking Chicago waterfront.
Art History: Takes date to Snite Museum. Again.
Design: Skips Valentine’s Day, calling it “too mainstream.”
Political Science: Spends the night writing a mediocre column. Forgets to find a valentine.
Matt Miklavic is a sophomore studying political science and business from Cape Elizabeth, Maine. He can be reached at
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.