How to Get a Perfect Score on Lulu
Sam Stryker | Monday, April 22, 2013
As if gender relations weren’t contentious enough on this campus, a new wrinkle has developed in the male-female dynamic at Notre Dame. All of you better know what I’m talking about: Lulu, the new app that allows ladies to rate the men in their lives on their potential as prospective romantic partners.
As far as I am concerned, Lulu is about the worst weapon to be developed in the gender wars on campus. Whereas a guy used to have to do a lot to earn himself a bad reputation on campus, now all a girl has to do is rate him on her phone and BOOM, his social status goes caput.
Think nuclear warheads in the hands of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un are scary? Try a scorned Notre Dame woman with the Lulu app in her hands. As far as I’m concerned, the only men on campus who are safe are the guys who live in Old College, and maybe Fr. Hesburgh.
Here’s how it works: After answering a list of questions and tagging attributes a girl thinks befitting of the man meat she is rating, Lulu produces a score on a one to 10 scale for the dude in question. Everything that matters is taken into account – looks, manners, cleanliness and so on.
The catch is Lulu is designed so guys can’t sign on to the app. I tried programming it on my iPhone but was rejected, since Lulu recognized me as the macho macho man I am. Unless you want to change your Facebook gender to female – an awkward proposition, men – the only way to improve your Lulu score is to be a better version of yourself, one that is appealing to the fairer sex.
Gents, I’m here to help you out. I would like to think I have the ins-and-outs of Lulu mastered, considering I currently sport a solid 8.9 ranking on the app. While I’m pretty sure I have one significant factor working in my favor that most guys at Notre Dame don’t – and I’m not talking about my dashing good looks – making yourself appealing to the lovely ladies on campus is really not that difficult. It just takes a few simple steps.
Don’t be ugly
I can’t stress this one enough. Girls always talk about how they like “funny” guys with “personality,” but let’s be real here – people are people, and men and women alike will always judge a book by its cover. That’s why the most important step in appealing to women is not to be ugly.
How does that work? Girls may be lucky enough to have Spanx and makeup, but a guy who is practically deformed can’t hide that from the world. It’s all about playing to your strengths. Be sure to shave that unibrow, brush those teeth, comb your hair (unless you are going for an Edward Cullen look) and never, ever leave your dorm room without applying some foundation (just kidding).
Be a gentleman
That being said, good looks can only take you so far. Trust me, I know. Chivalry isn’t dead, but it certainly isn’t hopping and bopping either.
Girls love manners. Whether it is holding open the door as the two of you walk into the library to complete the Hesburgh Challenge or giving her your coat when it is near zero as she is waiting outside Club Fever in a little black dress, chivalry goes a long way. Just don’t lay it on too thick, or you might get yourself friend-zoned.
It’s all about moderation
Think of every girl on campus like a grown-up version of Goldilocks and you are porridge. She doesn’t want you too hot or too cold, but just right. That means you need to strike the right balance in all areas of your life. Be smart, but don’t spend too much time in the library. Drink, but don’t blackout regularly on Monday nights. Show that you are a family guy, but don’t be a mama’s boy. Be bold, but not too cocky. Be flirty, but not with every girl you meet.
Women are collectively the most demanding people you will ever meet and for a good reason: boys are the worst. Just do everything and behave in moderation, and watch your Lulu score climb.
Don’t actually date or hookup with girls
This is probably the easiest way to keep a solid Lulu score intact. Unless you are the second coming of Casanova, any type of romantic or physical contact is eventually going to come back and bite you in the butt. That means no kissing, dining hall date, or holding hands as you walk across the quad. Eventually something is going to happen and the honeymoon period will end.
Then the girl will go on Lulu, and suddenly you go from “Potential Husband Material” to “Grade-A Sleazeball.” It’s unfortunate, but that’s just how things work in today’s information age. At this point, you may just be better off becoming a priest.
Contact Sam Stryker at firstname.lastname@example.org
The views in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.