Oops, I did it again: how to avoid your ex on campus
Gabriela Leskur | Tuesday, September 10, 2013
So you and your beau didn’t make it to ring by spring.
Now that you don’t have to worry about nailing the Basilica for the perfect fall wedding, the real worries have set in.
Obviously, the most terrifying possibility is this scenario: You stroll into the dining hall to enjoy a nice pasta stir-fry and the comic section of the newspaper when you suddenly lock eyes with your most recent failed romantic endeavor.
Cue the awkward smile and friendly nod, hiding hurt feelings and general animosity.
Why don’t you forgo that encounter?
Enjoy your pasta in peace by following some tips that previously-burned lovers came up with and left for other ex-stricken Domers looking for an escape route.
The first step to guaranteeing you will never see your ex relies on an extensive screening process. Be selective with your love interests and seek out some preliminary requirements before you fall head over heels.
Location, Location, Location.
If possible, long distance is the way to go. Girl lives in California? You’re golden. Boy studying abroad in Australia? Match made in heaven.
In the case that Skype dates and care packages make you want to barf, there are some rules you should follow for on campus dating.
Don’t even think about dating someone in your brother or sister dorm.
Never date someone on the same quad.
Never date someone who eats at the same dining hall.
If your beloved isn’t at least an eight-minute walk from you, ditch them.
Strong Foundation of Apathy.
Make sure you have absolutely nothing in common.
None of the same interests, none of the same activities, none of the same friends, none of the same political or religious views is our suggestion.
Not only will this strategy lead to a successful, healthy relationship, but it will minimize the possibility that you will ever see each other after the inevitable breaking up.
Dealing with the aftermath: Common interests
In the case that you for some unknown reason decided to date someone who had anything in common with you, follow these simple steps:
If you have the same class, drop the class.
If you have the same major, drop the major.
If you have the same interests, change your interests.
If you have the same friends, make new ones.
The key to your personal happiness is redefining your personality.
Uprooting your identity is a small price to pay to avoid your ex.
Dealing with the aftermath: Unexpected encounters
In the case that you for some unknown reason decided to date someone who ever visits campus, follow these simple steps:
Never go to the dining halls.
Never go to Reckers or LaFortune past 10 p.m.
Never go to the Library or CoMo.
Never go to O’Shag, Debart or any other academic building.
Never go to the Basilica.
Never walk through any quad.
The safest policy is to never leave your dorm or your room. The only exception being personal hygiene, and even that is optional. You should live off of Easy Mac, Keurig coffee and Netflix. Or retreat to a pineapple under the sea.
This shouldn’t be too hard.
The alternative to all this ridiculousness?
I might not have any idea about regular dating advice, but here’s what to do if you want to continue enjoying your residential life: Deal with the possibility that you might see your ex.
Your pasta stir-fry will taste just as good.
Contact Gabriela Leskur at firstname.lastname@example.org
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.